Steering clear of Mr Unavailable

By Catherine Njiru

A life long partner is someone willing and available to have a relationship with you and if not, he or she is unavailable, either physically or emotionally. Unfortunately, a rising number of women continue to pursue these relationships even when the men do not reciprocate. 

A confusing part of being attracted to commitment-phobic people is that the emotional or sensual chemistry can feel so incredible and rare that one mistakes intensity for intimacy. 

“While dealing with an emotionally unavailable man, you make compromises you wouldn’t typically consider in order to give the relationship a chance. Still, connection or not, you must take a sober look to determine if someone is truly available,” Daisy Oruko, a sociologist advises. 

But first things first, why do women get entangled in dead-end or delusional relationships? Oruko says each woman is different, but there are some characters that resonates with many of them. For instance, if the man is loaded or famous. “Ask many women and they will tell you their Mr Right must click the financially stable box. If he is famous, the better— why not ride in his fame? Unfortunately, many of these men know this. Don’t be surprised if he is also seeing Mary, Jane and Carol,” Oruko says.

The allure

Additionally, some women want a man who is easy on the eyes and most emotionally unavailable men happen to be just that­—eye candy. They almost seem coached in appearing perfectly desirable. “They carry an uncontaminated air about them, appearing clean and well groomed, while still maintaining an enviable energy; present in body, but lacking in relating with others,” she adds. 

Then there is the buzz of an unending chase. Even without a defined connection, an emotionally unavailable man keeps a woman’s interest through what a woman wrongly interprets as a chase towards a reticent ‘relationship’. He successfully holds her attention through a random warm engagement, special treat now and then or romantic gestures, which she reciprocates by continually revelling in his spontaneous special attention and affection even if the man gives it in limitation.

Age matters

Also if she has been single for a while, she can fall into a panic mode, especially if she feels like age is catching up with her. “She begins to notice that the single market isn’t exactly filled with husband and wife material and easily gets attracted to the unavailable man for the emotional stimulation he gives her in the unrequited longing,” Oruko explains.

However, this may also happen to women in their 20s. They are more likely to fall into the trap as the emotionally unavailable man can easily strike a kind an irresistible connection with the woman by mere appearance. 

“He may constantly appear to be busy in his personal and professional life, but has all the time in the world to text so the woman may then look at this as an emotional investment and settle for the random moments,” Oruko says.

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A life long partner is someone willing and available to have a relationship with you and if not, he or she is unavailable, either physically or emotionally. Unfortunately, a rising number of women continue to pursue these relationships even when the men do not reciprocate. 

A confusing part of being attracted to commitment-phobic people is that the emotional or sensual chemistry can feel so incredible and rare that one mistakes intensity for intimacy. 

“While dealing with an emotionally unavailable man, you make compromises you wouldn’t typically consider in order to give the relationship a chance. Still, connection or not, you must take a sober look to determine if someone is truly available,” Daisy Oruko, a sociologist advises. 

But first things first, why do women get entangled in dead-end or delusional relationships? Oruko says each woman is different, but there are some characters that resonates with many of them. For instance, if the man is loaded or famous. “Ask many women and they will tell you their Mr Right must click the financially stable box. If he is famous, the better— why not ride in his fame? Unfortunately, many of these men know this. Don’t be surprised if he is also seeing Mary, Jane and Carol,” Oruko says.

The allure

Additionally, some women want a man who is easy on the eyes and most emotionally unavailable men happen to be just that­—eye candy. They almost seem coached in appearing perfectly desirable. “They carry an uncontaminated air about them, appearing clean and well groomed, while still maintaining an enviable energy; present in body, but lacking in relating with others,” she adds. 

Then there is the buzz of an unending chase. Even without a defined connection, an emotionally unavailable man keeps a woman’s interest through what a woman wrongly interprets as a chase towards a reticent ‘relationship’. He successfully holds her attention through a random warm engagement, special treat now and then or romantic gestures, which she reciprocates by continually revelling in his spontaneous special attention and affection even if the man gives it in limitation.

Age matters

Also if she has been single for a while, she can fall into a panic mode, especially if she feels like age is catching up with her. “She begins to notice that the single market isn’t exactly filled with husband and wife material and easily gets attracted to the unavailable man for the emotional stimulation he gives her in the unrequited longing,” Oruko explains.

However, this may also happen to women in their 20s. They are more likely to fall into the trap as the emotionally unavailable man can easily strike a kind an irresistible connection with the woman by mere appearance. 

“He may constantly appear to be busy in his personal and professional life, but has all the time in the world to text so the woman may then look at this as an emotional investment and settle for the random moments,” Oruko says.