I found joy in blended family after a divorce

When two come together in marriage, they always hope to nurture the union in the best way possible, build a family and live a blissful life there after. ‘For better, for worse’ vows are meant to cement the relationship. But sometimes, life happens, there can be loss of a spouse or separation, which puts them asunder.

In case this happens, one may choose to remarry and start life afresh. Phoebe Ekman, 45, found herself in this situation and had to press the pause button, figure life again after a divorce and then the replay button.

Today, she is a mother of seven children, in a blended family.

“I am a biological mum of three girls and a step-mum to two boys and two girls. I hate using the term ‘step-mother’. My step-children refer to me by name except my step-son who calls me ‘mama’, especially if he wants a favour. My children also refer to my husband by his name, but my youngest child calls him dad. It is something we all discussed with them,” says Phoebe.

Having a blended family, she says, is one unique platform that brings together individuals whose past has been hurt.

Separated from her ex- husband

“Parenting has been a classroom for me because every day, I learn and relearn new things that help me bring up the girls. My oldest is soon turning 22 and my youngest will be turning 12. My middle daughter just turned 17 in August. On my husband’s side, I have the oldest child who is about 29 and the youngest whom I call my prince is soon turning 16,” she adds.

Phoebe who currently runs a Community Based Organisation (CBO) called Tumaini La Maisha, located in Western/Nyanza areas officially got divorced about three years ago after being separated from her ex-husband for about three years.

She offers, “Technically, I was a single mother for about six years before I remarried. Divorce is like grieving someone who is alive. It’s such a bad experience and for me, it took a year to move on. I had seen all the warning signs of infidelity and greed. It took a toll on me when it creeped into the family dynamics. And that’s when I filed for divorce. I am now married to Todd Ekman, an amazing man. He is a good father to all our seven children. He came home in August to surprise my 17-year-old daughter for her birthday. He doesn’t live in Kenya, hence we shuffle back and forth. He does all he can to make me happy. He is funny and I am now learning the true meaning of what family life is.”

As a blended family, Phoebe who is also the Partner Coordinator of Global G.L.O.W Organisation, which is based in California in the US says she is blessed not to have experienced so many challenges.

“Four of the children are all adults and living away from home while we have three still at home. When it comes to family, I have had fights with my children mostly when they are telling me off and I am just stubborn to listen. I find it so funny because God gave me children who are exactly like me; empowered and with so much self-confidence,” she explains.

According to Phoebe, her step-children have embraced her. However, she is more into the lives of two of them who are near home than the other two who live away from home.

“Actually, one of them is best friends with my oldest daughter and they complement each other so well. My 15-year-old son is close to me. We have days that we can talk at length and this brings me so much joy. When it comes to society and its criticisms, I have not given it an ear. I am very present in my Christian walk and all that matters is what God says. And when I have peace about life’s decisions I know that God is in it. My husband and I attend a church that accepted me and they are understanding,” she explains.

She credits her good parenting skills to the fact that she has worked from home for the past eight years.

Phoebe opines, “I had a very horrible boss at one time and I remember taking her to lunch and giving her my resignation letter. I could tell she was not impressed. I was going through my divorce at that time and was now jobless. But I held onto prayers, because prayers work. I got a call from my programmes manager who told me that they wanted me to move on with the programme, but under any organisation of my choice. This meant that I really didn’t need a physical office and I was able to work from home. It gave me the opportunity to be in my children’s lives at all times, hence I have such a close bond with them. This created emotional stability for all of us at that time.”

Everyone is unique

One value that she hopes her children have grasped in life is honesty.

“I value honesty. It doesn’t matter how bad a situation is, be true to yourself. Not others, but yourself. I have lost a 30-year-old friendship due to lack of honesty. Dishonesty breeds lies, strife, suspicion and greed. Hence one value that my children have is honesty. There are incidences in my life where my children have called me out for being economical with the truth. And I have had to come out clean,” Phoebe says.

For couples who want to get into blended family set-ups, Phoebe’s advice is, before you all agree to settle down or during the marriage, take time to understand each child.

“Ask your spouse questions about each child. Everyone is unique in their own right. Find out what works for each child and start from there. The first time I met one of my step-daughters, I found out that I had to ask her whether I could hug her. She is not a huggy person whereas my girls got hugs from me all the time.

On the other hand, in the African culture, during my early days we were programmed not to be close to the step-side of the family. I actually find that strange since I got into a blended family. I love my step children and it’s so normal for me. I discovered that there is enough room in my heart for more love,” she explains. 

According to Jessica Bukutsa Masera, a conscious psychotherapist, the core of a blended family is the two adults who are also the parents in the equation.

“The two adults need to be individuals who have worked on the concept of attachment. They need to have the most well balanced attachment style and not in the marital relationship first. They need to be securely attached first and foremost, in the relationship between the individual and themselves,” says Masera.

“If there is no secure attachment in this very important relationship between one and themselves, then it will be almost impossible to produce aspects of healthy interdependence in the relationships among the members of a blended family,” she adds.

According to the expert, if one of the adults in the relationship operates on the notion that there exists a largely imaginary group of people called society whose whims need to be satisfied by living or being the way they (society) expect, then this individual suffers co-dependency, and there is absolutely no way a co-dependent individual will be able to produce the emotional safety needed for an attachment relationship to be healthily interdependent.

“It really doesn’t matter what pressures or views people have around a blended family. The success of such a family will only be determined by the state of the relationship each of the adults,” Masera explains, adding “Co-dependency can be treated and there is a high success rate.”