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Are my fiancé’s childhood emotional wounds to blame?

By Barnabas Achoki
Monday, June 7th, 2021 00:00 | 2 mins read
Sad couple. Photo/Courtesy

Hi Achokis!

I’m engaged to a wonderful guy. My boyfriend is hardworking, organised and a go-getter. He has come from far—as in he grew up under difficult conditions.

To have made it this far in life is due to his hard work and luck. He is nice, but sometimes, he gets angry and do crazy things such as shouting at me. He doesn’t have any close friends.

He is even not close with his family members. He keeps to himself and his job, and of course me. I’m a bit concerned with his behaviour. Could he be having a psychological problem?

Our take

We cannot ascertain whether or not he has a psychological problem just by what you have described.

However, what is evident is the fact that there are things from your guy’s past that are haunting him.

We all have baggage from our past, which if not dealt with can ruin relationships.

It is apparent from what you describe that your man has had a rough life and has carried a lot of baggage to date. 

He is hurting

Men have a problem identifying their feelings and expressing them, unlike women.

They bottle up things within themselves and end up either overcompensating for what they missed by being violent or aggressive, or by swinging to the other extreme retreating and being passive.

That is a symptom of a deeper issue that needs to be dealt with before you can say “I Do”.

It is possible from what you say that he might have been hurt by people who were supposed to love him, either a close friend, an ex-girlfriend or even his father, mother or close relatives.

He is hurting and is letting it out on you when he shouts at you. Watch out for the triggers— what is it that when done or said makes him mad?

That could just help you help him identify what and where the problem is. 

Chart the way forward

Let him know that you are concerned about his behaviour and are afraid it will affect your marriage.

With so many cases of domestic violence and spousal murders, you have reasons to worry about your life.

Assure him that you love him and are willing to help him if he accepts that yes, he has a problem.

You can even try and get another man whom he admires to talk to him. Someone he can trust to open up to.

I know men don’t like therapy, but if you can put your foot down and insist that it will not be business as usual, he might just consider seeing one preferably a male therapist.

Don’t move on to the next level in your relationship until this thing is dealt with. Otherwise, it will hurt you in the future. - The writers are marriage and relationship coaches [email protected]

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