Future faking, a toxic dating strategy used to lure partners
Barely a week after you met this guy and he is talking about all the wonderful things that the two of you will do together— how you will live in a five-bedroomed house in the suburbs, they can even see having two children with you, how the two of you will explore the most romantic cities in the world, and oh, wouldn’t it be great to hop on a plane and go on that bucket-list trip together soon?
All the while, they sound enthusiastic and sincere. While you may think that you have met a loving and ambitious guy and that he is just planning for the future, you are wrong and none of this is likely to ever happen.
This is what experts call future faking where someone uses a detailed vision of the future to facilitate the bonding and connection in a romantic relationship. It occurs when someone uses promises of the future to get someone to move their boundaries in the present while they have no intention of honouring said promises.
Most men lie to potential mates that they are ready for marriage and even propose, in a bid to get into the good graces of the lady, while they have no intention of ever marrying. Also, when men are caught in a lie, they can promise a gift, or a vacation in the future, thereby buying them remorse in the interim.
“Future faking is a tactic used by a partner who is emotionally unavailable, does not want to commit or knows that they do not have the capacity to show up for you. Future fakers can get what they want without having to do anything. Most future fakers suffer from low self-esteem. They want their partner to idolise them and put them on a pedestal and will use any manipulative tactics available to them to achieve this,” Jackline Gathu, a leading psychologist in the country, explains.
An emotional rollercoaster The psychologist says future fakers normally take their mark through an emotional roller coaster.
This is because the partner believes what they are told and is therefore elated, then the promises are broken, so there is hurt and distrust, after which the future faker may fulfil some of the promises made in order to hook back the partner. The cycle continues endlessly.
“In some cases, the future faker is simply a narcissist keen on getting what they want by mirroring the partner’s wants. In other cases, the future faker is someone who is not self-aware, and gets caught up in the whirlwind of new romance and therefore, might even believe their own lies. Whether the future faker believes their lies or not, however, is a moot point as the emotional hurt is the same on the victim,” she says.
Jackline shares that the reason many people fall prey to future fakers is that most of us are not in touch with ourselves. Women, especially are conditioned to think that men are there to rescue them.
Watching Disney channels and reading fairy tales has made most women have the princess syndrome, where women are waiting for their knight in shining armour to rescue them. That is why women will fall for lies, as they see them, but hope that their frog will turn into prince charming. That is why women will choose to look at red flags and decide that they are red roses instead.
This is why it is important to differentiate between love and future faking. As Jackline explains, while love is genuine, and not manipulative, future faking is manipulative and is normally done with no intention of love, but to gain dominance and control over another person.
While love necessitates that people discuss the future, in love, future plans are made and honoured. Future faking is also different from love bombing in that love bombing is momentary. In the latter, someone comes out of the blues and declares love with words and gifts with the singular aim of making the person lower their guard and then ghosts the person.
Love bombing is about the here and now while future faking looks at the future plans and goals. A future faker can, however, use love bombing to establish a connection with a victim before they graduate them into the ‘let’s plan a future we will never have, but you do not know that’ stage.
But future faking is not something that happens in romantic relationships alone. It happens in parent-child relationships as well. In most co-parenting cases, some parents keep lying that they will show up to visit and take their children out while having no intention of ever showing up.
In the elderly parent and grown-up child dynamic, the child may keep promising to visit their parents, but they never will, always coming up with an excuse at the last minute instead.
Essentially, someone who is future faking preys on the hopes and dreams of their mark. Way forward Jackeline's advice to future fakers is for them to cultivate self-awareness. They should go for therapy to get to the root of their behaviour and to learn what personal narratives they tell themselves in order to behave this way.
For people prone to partnering up with future fakers, they should learn to be more discerning and observant of their partners before getting into a relationship. Jackeline urges people to understand that if you have a void within you, no one can fill that void, but you. This means that when looking for a partner, you should look for someone who complements you rather than completes you.
She says in conclusion, “Watch someone, see whether they keep their word or not. Watch yourself as well to see if you are your authentic self around these people or if you keep self-betraying.
Be in touch with yourself and your emotions and be confident enough in yourself to leave someone who is future faking. Remember that you meet your partner where they are and not where you want them to be. Know that you are in a relationship with the person as they are and not as you want them to be or as you see them in your head.
It will help you manage your expectations.
