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How can I get over relationship anxiety?

By Barnabas Achoki
Monday, February 10th, 2020
Lonely lady. Photo/Courtesy
In summary

Hi Achokis. 

I’m a single middle-aged lady. I really want to get into a serious relationship and start a family, but I’m fearful of being taken advantage of by a man.

There’s this guy in my office that I really like. He recently asked me out for this coming Valentine’s Day.

Inwardly, I was excited about it, but I found myself telling him I’ll think about it and give him an answer next week.

Now that the week is approaching, I fear saying yes because I don’t know him that much and at the same time, I want to say yes because this could be my only opportunity. I’m confused, what should I do? Please help!

Thank you, for reaching out. Two things come out here that need to be addressed. The first is concerning your fear of getting into a relationship and the second is the pressure to “jump” into this opportunity this Valentine season. 

Before we tackle the Valentine’s Day date issue, it is important to try and find out why you are fearful of getting into a relationship.

Did a male relative take advantage of you or did you see or hear a close friend or relative taken advantage of by a man?

There could have been things that happened to you as a young girl or even young adult that made you swear inwardly that “a man will never take advantage of me again”.

This is called an inner vow and whereas this helped protect you as a little child, it is now acting like a speed governor in your life and whenever you get to a certain level in relationship, you back off.

You will need the help of someone else who can be authentic with you and help you slay your dragon.

Concerning the Valentine’s Day date, we would advise you to go slow on this for two reasons, one, because you need to first sort yourself out.

Valentine’s Day brings with it a lot of pressure and this is the last thing you need with your current situation.

Valentine’s Day date is for someone really special and at this point you are not sure you are that person.

You hardly know this guy, and so it will be prudent to not have that date on Valentine’s Day.

Secondly, because of the occasion, one thing may lead to another and before you realise it, you have given yourself to this person that you hardly know thus reinforcing that belief. 

You can always have a date at a different time when there’s no pressure of the occassion.

That way you may be killing two birds with one stone. One, you will be giving yourself enough time to really get to know this other person, and two, he may just turn out to be your Knight in shining armour who will help destroy that belief that is holding you back.

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