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How to find your voice in bedroom matters

By Sandra Wekesa
Friday, August 14th, 2020
Bedroom matters. Photo/Courtesy
In summary

For most people, expressing their intimate needs doesn’t exactly happen naturally. But how can you have that ‘dirty talk’ and be confident about it without feeling ridiculous?.

Have you ever had everything you wanted to say formulated in your head, but when it came to sharing it, your mind got scattered and you were just embarrassed about it?

Or, you just feel like some ‘dirty talk’ would reignite your love life, but you don’t know how you would even initiate it? 

Well, that’s exactly how Immaculate Wairimu had been feeling for the past 12 years of her marriage.

Although she married her best friend, their union was more confined to her being a mother than a partner to her beloved husband.

“I had been watching so many movies, but I didn’t know how to find confidence and be a vocal woman in bed.

I was trapped in my own cocoon of playing wife than being a goddess in the bedroom because I thought I would lose him,” she says.

Although she admits she lost her sexual mojo because of motherhood responsibilities, the only way to regain their spark was through being more vocal in the bedroom.

This didn’t just take a night or two, but it needed a better way or introduction.

“I was afraid that if I jumped from being just a mum to his children to being the sexy girlfriend he admired before children came, then he would judge me, and maybe he’d consider me kinky or even be afraid to face me due to the embarrassment thereafter. 

Cause for distress

So, I decided to introduce things slowly telling him what I would want us to explore and before he knew it, we were experimenting with new things,” she says.

Maurice Matheka, sex therapist.  Photo/PD/ SANDRA WEKESA

As for Newton Mariech, he realised that the reason his partner was not able to respond to sex talk was because she just couldn’t find the right words.

“Often, I would probably whisper something like ‘do you like it’? And I would get blank stares or a response with something like ‘huh?’.

It was difficult for me because this was a turn on and I just didn’t know how to let her know how I felt,” he says. 

Therefore, the first thing he did was to let her know exactly how he felt and how sexual contact was actually an integral part of the foundation of any healthy relationship.

“I didn’t want to cheat on her. So I opted to tell her that being vocal in bed brings people together and that there was nothing ridiculous about it.

This made her more comfortable around me and made her explore her kinky side,” he recalls.

Even though being able to communicate in the bedroom can be a bit intimidating to some, it is important to get out of your cocoon and give it a try. 

Maurice Matheka, a sex therapist, says sexual intimacy is one of the many causes of distress in marriage.

This is because most couples are afraid of judgement from their partners and might not know how to actually express themselves around them.

So how exactly can you be able to find your voice and be confident about it?

“One thing couples should ask themselves is, why would you find it difficult to express yourself?

Being shy should never be an excuse because it means you don’t see the essence of being comfortable around your partner or you are afraid of them judging you,” he says.

Dealing with the ‘fear’

Marriage, Matheka says, is a union, and it shouldn’t change how you feel towards each other.

“Sex in marriage shouldn’t just be for procreation, it should also be recreational.

So, it is important to express your sexual needs, what makes you tick, or what you don’t like,” he says. 

He notes that the first goal to dealing with ‘the fear’ should be to try initiate the conversation outside the bedroom.

This reduces the tension that you might feel when together in a vulnerable state and makes you feel free.

“Talk about bedroom activities outside the bedroom. If you can’t talk about what you like when you’re not naked, being vulnerable isn’t going to make it any easier.

If it helps, try writing down what your perfect sexual experience looks like,” he says.

But before telling your partner what you want, it’s a good idea to start by asking yourself a few questions.

How do I like to be kissed? How do I like to be touched? What turns me on? How do I want a partner to behave in the bedroom to make me more receptive to letting go and enjoying myself?

Are there any scenarios or toys I would really enjoy bringing into the bedroom buy I don’t know how to bring up or ask for in conversation?

What is my partner doing already that I really like? What could they be doing better?

Mary Akinyi says she dated many guys who would send her all the hottest chats on what they would do to her, only for them to go silent in action.

“There’s a guy who made me blush on WhatsApp then just went mum when rubber finaly hit the road. It is disappointing, but not unusual.

A lot of guys I hooked up with before I got married were quiet and almost none of them said a word.

They just went ahead as if they had taken a vow of silence. I couldn’t settle down with such men. I have to know what my man wants in bed and vice versa,” she says. 

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Walking the talk

Bedroom talk, Matheka says, could be, as easy as just saying your spouse’s name, to whispering something that is quite seductive and would put them in the mood before the act.

Though it can be intimidating at the beginning, you don’t need to talk like a porn star to enjoy yourself.

“Although people still have the notion that sex is something you do and not talk about, it is still important for your partner to know your likes and dislikes.

This makes you and your partner feel comfortable around each other. Various studies show that being vocal in bed enhances your sex life,” says Matheka.

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