Inside a cheater’s mind…
Jasmine Atieno @sparkleMine
Tina Karani met Merc Davis in an interracial group online. He was such a traveller, businessman and frequented Kenya often.
He was a respected investor. So, when he came to Kenya, he asked for a meet up. He was looking for a good spa, needed a massage and he even offered her one.
“He confessed to me that he was married. But I still went for the massage. Little by little, he started letting me in on the situation with his marriage, showed me photos of his beautiful wife and children, but complained about the wife’s behaviour such as how she no longer wanted to have sex with him anymore.
She had moved to their daughter’s room since the daughter was in college, and how he was suspecting there was a man in her life because of the changed behaviour,” Tina narrates.
In short, Marc wanted just some sex once in a while with a beautiful woman like me. He called it Nyumba Ndogo.
He comes to Kenya about thrice a year, for work not holiday, and while here, I am actually the Nyumba Ndogo.
It is nothing much, just a lot of nakedness, dinners, massages, travelling and he pays a lot of my bills.
I am cool with the arrangement, but I am not holding him tight to anything,” shares the 32-year-old.
Jillian Amani, 28, runs a boutique in Bamburi, Mombasa and she met and dated a married man, who brought his wife to buy some clothes at her boutique, for over a year before letting the relationship just die.
A little escape
“He paid for the clothes through M-Pesa, and saved my number. Later, he came back to pick some shirts for himself and was there calling me by my name. He was cute, in his 40s, mature and handsome.
Married with his ring right there, but still asking whether I was hungry so that he could buy me lunch.
He left me a huge tip. I felt guilty, but I was single and I could get used to a little spoiling. So as much as I should have said no, I just accepted it.
All he wanted was company to the clubs, and sometimes just to talk about work and release some stress or escape from the reality of his house.
I understood him and I was enjoying the money, but I soon got bored. You see I want my own man, not another woman’s man.
And he was not going to leave his wife for me because of his children and what his relatives would have to say. So, I slowly and tactfully ended it,” says Jillian.
Yet another woman shares that she was in a relationship with a married man unknowingly. The day she found out that he was in fact married, is the day the relationship started to end.
“I went to look for work at his company. He was the manager. He booked me for an interview and later that evening, called me to give some tips on what questions to expect. Well, I did get the job.
I was living with my aunty in Kilifi, which was far. So, he offered to help me house-hunt. And he even offered to pay for the house for the first few months.
This was good. He would invite me to his house some weekends—basically my life was great until one day he texted me to go to his house… it wasn’t him it was his wife, who apparently worked in a different town. She had burnt my clothes and left them in a heap right outside the house.
So later, it just became a trail of ‘give me some time I’m going to leave her’, but he didn’t. Just one thing and another.
I heard the wife left him when she caught him red handed with a woman that wasn’t even me. So you see… a cheating man just cheats and lies and sometime you won’t even know it until it blows in your face,” shares Lea Kadide, a 30-year-old bank accountant.
Living in deceit
According to psychologist Bella Zawadi, by nature, men love to conquer. Thus, when an opportunity presents itself, they take it, most of the times without thinking about the consequences.
“Psychologically, this is denial. In a psychological perspective, denial is defined as a chain of internal deceit that people say to help them feel like their behaviour is ethical (at least in their own minds).
The people involved believe they are getting the excitement without having to carry any baggage.
Men believe they are the side chicks’ real choice of fantasy – which is, she is going to the man for what she cannot get elsewhere,” she says.
Conversely, Zawadi says in most cases, both the man and the side chics have self-esteem issues that make them believe that someone wants them for something.
In other cases, the man’s luck of confidence in their lives pushes them into self denial, thus fooling themselves that things are fine and no one will be hurt.
Understanding cheaters
“Typically, every deception leads to rationalisations, which are strengthened by more falsehoods.
In the psychological eye, the denial of a cheating man is usually viewed like a house of cards that are in a firm wind, yet these men believe that their rationale is ethically sound.
Of course, this begs the question: why do men really turn to side chics? And after they are caught, why do they continue cheating even when faced with the unwanted consequences such as divorce, breakups, loss of parental power, loss of social reputation, emotional torture and the like?
In truth, a lot of dynamic reactions can play a role in a man’s decision to have a side chic and engage in infidelity,” says Zawadi.
According to the psychologist, there are many factors, which can lead to cheating.
These include; Low self-esteem, midlife crisis for instance may make someone feel too old, not brilliant or sometimes not good-looking.
Then there is immaturity, which can also be defined as secondary adolescence. In this case, they want adventure, which they cannot have in the committed relationships.
They see their wives as their own mothers and themselves as troublesome sons. Others are just disconnected with the self.
Their inner child seeks attention and love from one relationship to another. Selfishness is also another reason, most men with side chics consider themselves special.
It is possible that as long as they get what they want, these men can lie and keep secrets without regret or remorse as long as they want.
“Other men are just narcissists. These individuals are characterised with poor impulse control, an inflated ego, a sense of entitlement and power trip.
They often need excess admiration and control over other people. Narcissist men who cheat may turn to side chicks to express the above,” she says.
Other times, men cheating on their spouses with side chics are just a sign of unresolved childhood traumas, hence the man resorts to sexual infidelity due to neglect, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, or physical abuse.
Old and unhealed wounds can lead a man to have a side chic whereby in most cases they are used to cover intimacy issues.
These issues leave the men unable to fully commit to one spouse. Also, they might use the side chic as a way of suppressing their pain of old feelings and unhealed wounds.
“When men have unrealistic expectations of their partners, they seek external fulfillment from side chicks.
They may feel that their partners are responsible for meeting their sexual needs, desires, and wants all the time.
However, men fail to understand that their spouses have a life of their own, with needs, feelings and thoughts that do not always involve them,” Zawadi says in conclusion.
