Married to a divorcé, I’m worried of his contact with his ex-wife
Hi Achokis. I have been married for the last two years now. My husband was a divorcé. He has two children with his ex-wife. The children are now teenagers and in secondary school. My hubby has been part of their lives though they stay with their mother. But of late, he has been spending a lot of time with the children and last month when schools were closed he went for holidays with them. Initially, I thought he was only going with the children, but from the photos his daughter posted on her Facebook page, his ex-wife was also there. When I asked him, he said she happened to be around for work and that’s when she joined them. I have a funny feeling about all this or am I reading too much into this? Please advise!
Sheila
Thank you Sheila for seeking advice before you act or react to your situation. A marriage is built on the foundation of trust, and when there’s no trust, then the relationship becomes shaky. You begin to read into things that may not even be there and become suspicious of your spouse.
It’s a good thing that your hubby is still involved in his children’s lives, especially in this stage of their lives. It’s also good that you have allowed him that space thus not denying the children a relationship with their father. Even though that marriage didn’t work, the children are innocent and shouldn’t suffer because of what happened between their parents.
Did you set boundaries?
You are not reading too much into this situation and yes, your feelings are valid. It could have been a different issue if the children were young and probably needed another person to be present with them during holidays, but with teenagers, they can take care of themselves. It will be interesting to know what earlier agreement you had with your hubby concerning his involvement with the children and their mother. What boundaries were agreed upon? It was important that from the word go, certain boundaries be set that allows him to be with his children without that relationship affecting your marriage.
Face your fears
There’s need for you to both have an honest conversation where you share with him how this has affected you. Did he know that his ex would be there for the holiday? Even if he didn’t and she showed up, it would have been prudent for him to let you know so that you don’t have to have such suspicions. It should come out clearly that you are not insinuating that anything happened, but that you are fearful of what might happen if certain boundaries are not set.
Hopefully, he can be able to see that so that in future, you agree how such matters should be handled. It is then important for you both to come up with guidelines that will inform how he continues being present in his children’s lives without interacting with his ex in ways that make you feel insecure.
The writers are marriage and relationship coaches
