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Of ‘alpha widows’ and dangers of dating them

By , People Daily Digital
Friday, January 14th, 2022 02:00 | 4 mins read
Alpha widows.

She had an encounter with a high sexual value male; he has a chiseled body, status, great personality, is a perfect mating companion, and wealthy… Problem is, she can’t forget him and compares all potential men she dates with him...  

The subject of an ex is sometimes a complicated one. As one tries to get over a relationship, there are some who might have a longer than usual impact, setting the pace on how one’s ideal mate should be; making it complicated to stay in a relationship.

An alpha widow is a term used to describe a woman who holds attachment and is still fixated on the man who had the most impact in her life.

This is when a woman can’t get over a man with a high sexual value, who no longer wishes to have a relationship with her. 

In her mindset, this alpha male is superior to most, if not all of the other men pursuing her and she ends up rejecting them or if she does say ‘yes’ to them, the relationship is usually rocky due to constant complaints and comparison with this alpha male figure she can’t have. 

Man’s worst nightmare

According to relationship experts, dating such a woman can be one of the worst experiences for a man since one loses the ability to pair bond as the other partner’s mind is not in the union, but elsewhere.

Some of the signs include a woman who constantly criticises what the man does and compares him with the men she’s been dating, always having photos of her ex and is available for other relationship except the partner. 

 “That is the challenge of dating older women after 25,” says Silas Nyanchwani, journalist and author 50 Memos to Men. 

“She could have had two or three boyfriends who were either rich or were good in bed and all her men have to measure up to this one.

This has consequently resulted in men marrying sulking wives,” he says. 

Mourning missed opportunities

Sometimes the smallest brush with an ‘alpha’ male is enough to produce an alpha widow who will always be searching for that man in every relationship.

It can be a one night stand or that one guy in a party during the campus years, or even a missed opportunity to fully develop a hoped-for connection at a social gathering.

These missed connections end up being regrets and it doesn’t matter if they meet a great guy — these alpha widows will always compare their experience with that one person who made their heart stand.

“In addition, an Alpha Widow can be ‘widowed’ from the fantasy of her ideal partner.

This is a fairly common phenomenon, especially with women who married early in their 20s.

Most of them feel like they missed out on making a great hypergamous choice (or had it made for them by circumstance or social pressures).

That missed opportunity leads some women to be widowed from the fantasy of an alpha who would have been a better choice,” Allan Lawrence says relationship caoch. 

While there is still no word yet coined for males of average sexual value targeting a female with a high sexual value as a result of a short-term experience with one, there are men who also have that habit.

However, there is one term that is closely related to this: oneitis, meaning a man who is head over heels with one woman excluding other possible partners. 

Allan says this condition arises from a scarcity mentality, lack of self-confidence, past relationship struggles as well as an inability to meet and create attraction with new women.

“This condition usually comes from the belief that you will “never” meet a woman like the one you had ever again.

Such men fall prey to women who end up using them just for gains such as money or status and dump them once they have gained what they desire,” he says. 

However, experts concur that a man dating an alpha widow with a view to settling down is like walking straight into a minefield of stress.

If your sexual encounters with your woman is hardly spontaneous, but controlled or scheduled, she always gives excuses for not being intimate with you, telling you that she doesn’t like sex (don’t forget to add “with you”), not willing to have a baby with you despite there being no proper reason, those are red flags right there. 

“If she says ‘my first boyfriend really hurt me’ yet she has had others in between, if she compares him at all to you, if she mentions his name more than three times and none of the others at all.

Utapigwa karakta development (you’ll be heart broken,” says Nyanchwani. 

Way forward

Psychologist Tabitha Mwai also concurs that the underlying emotion of alpha widowhood is the fear of not finding another person.

She says one should move on if they ever want to be successful in the dating zone.

“Such people should undergo therapy to deal with the trauma of abandonment by that one partner they thought was ideal for them.

Only when they accept that they have a problem can they move on to build healthy relationships with their partners.

If they don’t, they will live bitter lives trying to chase what doesn’t exist, never moving on,” she says . 

Allan shares that another solution is to ensure that the man positions himself as a high value man, thus eliminating the competition. 

“When you are a rare high-value man who’s self-sufficient enough to not need any woman and sexually attractive enough to have any woman, any woman will desire to please you.

However, do this to improve yourself not with the sole aim of attracting women as that will result in frustration,” he says.

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