Please help! My girlfriend blows hot and cold

Monday, August 23rd, 2021 00:00 | By
Anxious man.

I’m in a relationship with this woman whom I really love. I believe she also loves me and she is such a nice person to hang around with.

We can have a nice evening together, talk for hours and have fun, but two or three days later, she goes quiet on me.

When I ask the cause of this change, she gives flimsy excuses and responds with one word or one liner text messages.

This makes me feel anxious, confused and sometimes lonely, fearing that something is wrong with our relationship.

Is this normal? Is there a problem somewhere? Does she really love me? Please help, I’m going crazy! - Dave

Our take

Hi Dave. There are many reasons your relationship or situation is the way you describe it. Is this normal, you ask?

Yes, sometimes because of our attachment styles, this happens. We all have different attachment styles based on how we were treated by our primary caregivers, in most cases, our parents.

If you are dating someone who backtracks after a deepening connection with you as you have described, there’s a possibility they may have an avoidant attachment style. 

People with this attachment style tend to be ambivalent, having mixed feelings about someone.

One time she’s excited about you when you spend those nice times together, but at other times, she may be feeling differently about you.

She craves the feeling of being loved, yet also feels a compulsion to distance herself. 

Safe space

She might also feel that since you have not committed by telling her “She is the one,” then why put all her eggs in one basket.

She’s wondering where this is going and fears going in fully yet not sure if you are in. She doesn’t want to be hurt.

She is just a friend like any other and you both enjoy each other’s company, period.  

You need to help her become aware of this without looking like you are judging her.

Remember it is her responsibility to change her attachment style, yours is to support her. How do you do that?

By creating a safe space for her to share with you her struggles if at all she’s aware of them. Listen to her without judgment.

Show her that you are curious enough to understand why she behaves this way. Remind her regularly that you enjoy the times you have together and that you also long to hear from her.

Let her know how much you long for your times together and how important it is for you to hear her voice. 

Check yourself

You also need to become more aware of yourself as you are of her. Could it be that you too are having some anxiety attachment, panicking that you may lose her or reading too much into her silence?

What are your fears and where are those fears coming from? Doing some self-introspection might help you as well. - The writers are marriage and relationship coaches [email protected]

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