Sex predators behind the bills
Friday, April 9th, 2021
Jasmine Atieno @sparkleMine
Velvine Kinyajui, a 24-years-old waitress accepts an invite for a drink from a well-known friend, Joseph Kinyua Murimi.
She cannot make it back home alone and tries reaching out to friends who could not come to her at the late hour.
So, the young woman ends up in a hotel room, only to be discovered, sexually violated the next morning. She passes on days later.
The horrifying incident raises firestorms on the Internet as human rights groups and celebrities stand against sexual gender-based violence.
However, one thing comes out from the many discussions online – women are warned on the consequences of accepting monetary favours from men. Posing the question; is money really the root cause of sexual abuse?
As much as it is good for single and searching women to go out and meet new people, Lazarus Nzioki warns that women should be weary when the offers start increasing.
“As a man, there are people you can buy lunch or help out financially without expecting anything in return.
But not every man believes in such generosity. The amount of money being spent changes the interest in the woman.
For instance, if a man is spending on your rent, shopping, school fees, family expenses, and more, especially if they are already married, the intention is maybe to make you a second wife or side chic,” he shares.
Draw the lines
There are others who straight up want their little spending on a woman, such as buying her a drink to amount to something in return.
“Of course, most of the time it becomes a problem because it was not communicated upfront.
My honest advice to men is to speak their interests straight up before spending even a dime so it does not feel like anyone was using the other, or bitter reactions, which turn to violence,” he advises.
For Cyrus Ngonyo, a sports presenter, he says men need to minimise on giving before the relationship is clear to avoid any flipping of scripts where they will end up feeling used.
“It is not a must that every time a man spends money on a woman they should expect sex in return or some form of reward, but again it is true that money has become a sexual currency.
My landlord for instance who is in his 50s has a university student girlfriend whom he takes care of.
He provides for all her needs and more in exchange for pleasure. People who have money and can spend more secure such rewards, but for young men who are not that stable, they want to make the most of the little they have, and become aggressive if a sexual favour in not returned. For me, I spend on my girlfriend.
I give her money, buy her lunch, and treat her because it is territorial. If I was to start doing the same for another woman, it would be clear that the lines are changing; I will expect more commitment, or some situation, even sexual,” he says.
Curfew worsens situation
On the other hand, Rehema Gatimu, a third-year university student at Technical University of Mombasa, shares that the recent lockdown has made situations even riskier for women who accept men’s invites to dinner or drinks.
“Sometimes you really just like the man as a person, and you think they can have a positive influence to your career journey, but it all turns to a predator situation once you try to get to know them.
As innocent as my intentions are for accepting to hangout, I start to get worried that I might not be able to payback what they want and just distance myself.
We live in a society that believes if money is spent on a woman no matter how little; it should be repaid with sex.
A guy asks you out, buys you food and drinks then asks you to go home with him.
Curfew has made it worse in that, if you go out and later find out that your safety has been compromised, you can’t leave.
Because you risk being arrested by cops or worse. So, you end up in a hotel room,” she shares.
Why not go for sex workers?
As sociologist Zawadi Bella shares, sex predators though, would rather use money as the breaking grounds for their indecent acts.
“While sex in exchange for money is readily provided by prostitutes, a man would go for a decent girl any day instead of a prostitute.
Also there is the perception about prostitutes in the society ...They’re readily available; it’s a one time off thing, diseases…,” she explains.
Men are hunters, they want to explore. “The prey part now comes with the personality of an individual.
Humanity dictates that every life is important. Most of these perpetrators of gender based violence have anger issue, most have low EQ.
Perpetrators majorly want to show dominance and power over the victim. The motive is sexual in nature, but they’ll pretend to be nice, buy drinks, pay bills... this way, their main identity is hidden.
When the victims do not conform, they reveal their real self,” she says. She advises young women to be on the lookout for red flags that they might be dealing with a sex predator.
These include: aggressiveness, need to be in control, meeting you alone on his terms, antisocial behaviour and impatience, overly addicted to sex, which you could tell from the conversations they bring up, addiction to drugs, porn sex and such.
“Watch out for nonverbal cues. The best way to deal with people before you are comfortable around them is to: Meet them in a familiar place, meet them with a friend or group of friends.
If you feel insecure about them, cut communication completely,” she adds.