Signs you are a victim of gaslighting
Every relationship has moments that make you wish you could take back words. But outside of these glaring moments of regret, it’s possible you cause your partner emotional harm.
By now, we all have heard the term “gaslighting” being thrown around all of the time, but what does it mean, really?
As a verb, “to gaslight” means to “manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity” — but the reality of gaslighting is far more complicated.
In fact, you could actually be the toxic gaslighter in your relationship without even knowing it.
Every relationship has moments that make you wish you could take back words uttered.
But outside of these glaring moments of regret, it’s possible you cause your partner emotional harm with things you say by getting close to gaslighting.
The term for this type of psychological manipulation is derived from the 1938 play Gas Light, in which a husband (Gregory) tries to convince his adoring and trusting wife (Paula) that she was insane by subtly changing her environment and insisting she was delusional.
Donna Anderson, author of Red Flags of Love Fraud: 10 Signs You’re Dating a Sociopath, says true forms of gaslighting such as that are never accidental.
“Gaslighting occurs when people try to get their partners to doubt their sanity,” she explains.
“A typical tactic is hiding the partner’s keys, saying nothing while the partner frantically looks for them, replacing the keys exactly where the partner left them, and then claiming that the partner is losing his or her mind,” she adds.
However, it is possible you are headed down the dangerous path that could lead to gaslighting without being that extreme. Here’s how to know.
You end conversations with insults
It’s one thing to want to move on from a conversation. It’s another to systematically insult your partner when you do it, says Ramani Durvasula, author of Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship With a Narcissist.
Durvasula says common problem phrases include, “I’m not listening to that crazy talk anymore” or “You’re too sensitive.”
You turn your partner’s problems into criticisms of them
Another behaviour from you that may wear down your partner’s self-esteem is if you blame them for everything — even when the situation is beyond their control.
For example, Durvasula says it’s problematic if your partner expresses concern about money, only for you to say something along the lines of, “Stop complaining.”
You make them doubt their reality
The title of the Gas Light play is derived from scenes in which the abusive husband searched the apartment above their home for lost jewels every night — which would cause the gas lights in their own home to dim.
But, when the wife noted that, the husband would tell her she was just imagining it.
Even when the case isn’t that extreme, Durvasula says it’s emotionally harmful to regularly doubt your partner’s reality by saying things such as.
“It didn’t happen that way.” Instead, accept there are two sides to every story.
You are a ‘now’ partner
Another sign that you may be at fault is if you’re looking for a relationship with someone better.
People prone to gaslighting believe they deserve more and constantly note when a current partner falls short of hopes.
She says these people “like the person they are with enough for now, but do not see them as a long-term partner or permanent partner for themselves.”
You refuse to accept responsibility
Many behaviours related to gaslighting come from a need to be right about everything, explains Tina Tessina, psychotherapist and author of How to be Happy Partners: Working it out Together.
Think about any times you continued an argument even after you knew your partner had the truly valid point just because you didn’t want to “lose.”
Your partner puts up a wall
As the relationship or gaslighting behaviour progresses, your partner may refuse to talk about problems if they don’t think there is any point.
Tessina says other behaviours the partner of a gaslighter may exhibit include becoming anxious, depressed or angry.
You constantly tell white lies
You may think of it as a protective mechanism, but Tessina says most forms of lying are actually gaslighting.
For instance, if your partner comments on your new shirt, but you don’t want to admit you spent money on it, you might claim it is actually old… That’s a mind game.
Other examples include saying you’re working when you’re doing something else, encouraging your children not to tell your partner something or hiding some type of betrayal.
