When a lover takes back gifts

Nailantei Norari @artnorari

Recently, social media was rife with debate on whether one should let their ex stay with a gift they bought once they break up or to ask for the gift back. 

It is not strange to see even celebrities demand gifts back from their significant others or returning the said gifts out of their own volition as a way to delink from each other.

The most recent is Quavo, a member of the hip-hop trap group Migos, who took back the car he bought his ex Saweetie when they broke up.

Many netizens termed Quavo as petty, identifying more with Saweetie as they have had gifts snatched from them after the death knell sounded in their relationship. 

Many men confessed to buying houses and cars for their girlfriends, but never in the latter’s names, as they want to be able to repossess the gifts in case the love sours. 

Judy, not her real name, says her ex-boyfriend ransacked her house and took back everything he had ever bought her, both big and small including curtains, mattresses, her wigs and make-up despite having been the one caught cheating.

She was not only distraught, but was also heartbroken and fighting with feelings of inadequacy, something she believed caused him to cheat. Now she had to contend with an empty house and financial hardship.

Tools of control

“First of all, cheaters will cheat. It is just easier to do if they have financial power and they know the other party is beholden to them and, therefore, more likely to forgive them.

Secondly, this is simply emotional immaturity. Why would you give someone something and then take it back once you break up?

Gifts are supposed to be given out freely just like love. You either gift someone or not gift them at all.

Giving someone a gift only to take it back when things go awry means you are hurting so much that you just want to hurt the other person almost as much as you must be hurting,” he says. 

He also warned against using gifts as tools of control. 

“This is where you revoke access to the gift whenever you fight with your partner. Most partners refuse to pay rent or threaten to take back a gifted car after every small fight.

This may be because the gift is high net worth. It is important not to gift someone something you cannot afford.

Do not take on unnecessary financial burdens even for love,” Maurice Matheka, a leading psychologist in the country shares.

Lawrence (not his real name) says he took out a loan to buy his then girlfriend a car. Once they broke up, he asked her to bring the car back.

When she refused, he went to her parents and catalogued everything he had done for their daughter and demanded reimbursement from the parents.

Suffice it to say, he got his car back after the girl’s parents called her in shock. 

His justification: he was not ready to continue living on the bare minimum as he serviced a loan for a car that someone he no longer liked was driving.

He had seen many of his friends go through that even with expensive engagement rings bought on loan and never returned, and he decided it was not his portion.

Level of maturity 

But do people gifted expensive things feel remorseful or the need to return the gifts once the relationship is over?

Judy says had she been left with the gifts; she would have lived comfortably with them without being overly tormented by memories of her then boyfriend.

“If the gifts are functional, I do not think staying with them and even possibly hosting a future lover and using said gifts is disloyal. I earned the gifts and loved this person when we were together.

When we broke up, I did not ask him back for all the kisses, hugs and good times that we had. If he gets to keep the fun he had with my body, I get to keep the gifts he gave me too. I am not even remorseful that I spoilt some things before he took them back.

I dunked the phone he had bought for me in water right before he took it back. Taking gifts back feels like a breach of contract,” she explains.

It takes a certain level of maturity to live with an ex-lover’s gifts without hurting, Maurice says.

He elaborates that there is no right way to go around it. If someone is still hurting and the gifts bring back memories thereby slowing down healing, one can give back the gift to the person who gifted them, donate it to charity or sell them.

He terms destroying gifts in a fit of rage as wasteful and unnecessary, asking what good smashing a good cooking plate set will do. 

“Gifting is one area, which can highlight the areas that you need to work on in your life. It can reveal to you how you emotionally attach to things and people and teach you how to better control that.

You can learn that you use gifts as an attempt to get accepted and buy love, which means you are struggling with feelings of unworthiness and insecurity. Learn and do better.

You cannot go through life moving from relationship to relationship regifting that one car you took back from your first relationship,” he says in conclusion.