When parents crash in their parenting style

Some parents do agree on how they will raise their children right at dating stage and it works. But what if parenting styles clash? What if one parent believes in a weekly cash allowance and the other holds the belief that children should work for the money they get? What if one parent holds on excessive beating as a means of discipline while the other thinks discipline should not be mentioned in the home?

“Parents may hold different parenting styles. We have the authoritarian (tough on discipline, low on affection), authoritative (a balance between clear boundaries and affection), permissive (a lot of affection, low on discipline) and neglectful (doesn’t care much about what the child does). Let us also not forget other factors that come into play such as stress, one parent parenting from a distance, heavy workload and less time for children, health status of either the parent or the child and parenting from trauma,” says psychologist Mercy Amuguni Masiga.

Parenting mistakes

“Differences are bound to be there. It is what makes us human; but this difference can affect the child and create an imbalance or a dysfunction in the home. To start with, it confuses the child. The child will have a conflicted picture of what the world is and it may be hard to adjust, have healthy relationships and have an optimal life,” she explains.

According to Susan Catherine Keter, a transformational life coach, a parent’s success in parenting — or lack of it — is a mirror reflecting on the parent’s level of skills.

“To achieve anything successfully, we invest in acquiring relevant skills. No skills are inborn, they are all acquired. It is important for parents to not only invest in acquiring life skills, but also put in the work to heal from their own baggages in order to become competent parents,” Keter says.

She offers: “This is a lesson I learnt in a painful way. I  had zero parenting skills when I became a mother. I was groping in the dark. Our first-born daughter was inquisitive. Sometimes I would find her with a pair of scissors cutting up one of my bed sheets or a dress, in her preteen years. She messed up a lot of stuff in the home. That girl faced more punishment from me than any other of my children. And no matter how much I punished her, she still continued to destroy stuff at home.”

By the time her daughter was in secondary school, Keter says she would save her pocket money and during the holidays she would go to markets where secondhand clothes, handbags and shoes were sold and buy stuff that she would work with secretly in her bedroom because she feared her mother. She grew up to pursue a degree in fashion design.

“I did a lot of damage to that girl because I was ignorant. She had to invest in professional help as an adult to heal from my parenting mistakes. Our eldest son also damaged a number of our computers in an effort to repair them. He later became a software developer,” she adds.

She urges parents to think of parenting like being a seasoned artist who uses different types of materials to paint. Each type of canvas requires different materials and different skills.

“Do not try to change a child from who he or she was created to be. Your children do not have to spend years in their adult life investing in professional help in order to heal from the wounds you inflicted and labouring to discover what they were meant to be, to discover their life purpose,” says Keter.

Discipline is part of the entire parenting experience. One thing that many adults who need healing from childhood trauma have in common is the way discipline was handled in their homes when they were little.

“When I go through questionnaires from my clients on the emotional healing journey, the part about how discipline was handled in their homes is almost always the same story. ‘In our home discipline was handled by my mum… my dad….’ and what that means in almost all cases is beatings. Those people are struggling with all manner of issues; low self-esteem, anger issues, anxiety, panic attacks, throat problems, chest problems, lower back pain, problems in their romantic relationships and interpersonal relationships, in parenting and so much more,” shares Keter.

When punishment doesn’t work

Jacob Nanjinia, a father of three shares how he observed that his wife raises her voice or shout at their children.

“On several occasions, l came to realise that this could be her mode of punishment. However, l have been opposed to it because I feel that if it goes on for long (the shouting), the children will normalise it and might one day do the same. l would rather go direct into punishment,” says Nanjinia.

He offers: “At some point, l heard them imitate their mother how she shouts at them when angry, forgetting that the shouting was meant to discipline them after making a mistake. I opt for beating as my last resort. But l can’t remember the last time I gave them a beating. Since the boys are now in secondary school, I opt for dialogue or deny and withdraw any promises I had made for something they wanted. Once l took away sports shoes l had bought for one of my boys and hid them. His siblings lied to him that l had sold the shoes as punishment and he would not attend any soccer match. After some time, he came and apologised to me and promised never to repeat that mistake. I returned the shoes to him and he has never repeated that mistake. It worked for me. As a parent, you must take note of certain parameters before punishing your children.” 

Mercy shares how children may end up choosing the favourite and bad parent, which may cause division and tension in the home.

Keter on the other hand says it is important not to rob your children of their uniqueness in the name of discipline.

“Each one of them is born an original; do not make them a copy. A copy is not valuable,” she says.

To be able to raise well-balanced children, experts say it is better for parents to invest in themselves, even if that includes investing in professional help so that they can improve in critical life skills such as communication, persuasion, negotiation, conflict resolution, decision making, boundary setting, among others.