Why are you still sleeping with your ex?

By Nailantei Norari
Friday, November 20th, 2020
Why are you still sleeping with your ex?
In summary

Nailantei Norari @artnorari

“Exes are low hanging fruit,” a good friend who also doubles as a bad boy told me a few days ago.

What followed was a debate on how a simple phone call checking up on an ex can easily lead to sex, and how any man worth his salt should leverage that connection any time he needs to get some. 

But why are there so many tales of women having sex in the hopes of something grander so common?

At times, men also capitulate to sex with their exes in the hopes that the lady is back for good, whereas in most cases they are back for a good romp then go till the next one.

“Some women repeatedly have sex with their exes thinking that this might change the man and want them back.

The truth is that nothing could be further from the truth. Why would a man who is getting it for free now offer you a coveted position in his life just so he can continue getting what he was getting sans labels?

By allowing low accountability behaviour, the girl cannot enforce accountability,” Maurice Matheka, a leading psychologist and sex therapist in the country explains.

He explains how women tend to tie regard and affection to the simple act of copulation, claiming that a man is in love with them simply because he keeps coming back to her bed.

They often posit the question, “If he does not love me, why does he keep having sex with me?”

The simple answer to this question is that he keeps coming back because the woman allows the sex to happen.

It might not even be a question of prowess or affection, but a question of availability. 

When it is too good...

Matheka elaborates how some women sleep with their exes in a misguided attempt to keep their body count low, since sex with an ex still counts as one partner no matter how many years apart the encounters were.

The use of body count to subjugate women is something that stems from our patriarchal society, much like the idea that women cannot and should not enjoy sex.

It is this last idea that is at the centre of the dickmatisation phenomenon, making women stay in unhealthy relations where the sex is good—since they have the idea that it is a rarity for women to enjoy sex, and it, therefore follows that it is hard to find someone who will satisfy them.

“Being intimate with an ex just because he is the best sex you have ever had is allowing yourself to be a pawn.

While it is important to enjoy sex, you should know that you are in control and largely in charge of your own pleasure.

Communicating your needs and knowing your body emancipates you such that you can share your body with whom you want and not just with this particular person who you may not even particularly like, but feel that they take you to cloud nine,” Matheka advises.

Desperate for connection

Most of the times, having sex with an ex is not solely about sex. It is also an attempt to feel loved and wanted, with the only time one of the parties feels valued and cherished being during sex.

Some people normally settle for sex with an ex every other week, since they are desperate for a connection.

They do not want to ask for more since they are afraid the other person may leave.

They also do not want to say ‘no’ to the sex since they are afraid of being alone and ending the connection.

“It is common to find a partner suffocating their needs and tending to their partner’s needs alone.

Needs in this context run the gamut from sexual, intellectual to emotional needs. Anxiety plays a big role in this context as such individuals are prone to ‘breakup phobia’.

These people have anxious attachment style and crave attention and affection so much so that they may experience an euphoric high when their partner tosses to them a few crumbs of affection.

They are willing to endure great levels of emotional suffering to prevent its demise.

This is not love, as much as the person enduring the pain might want to label as such,” Edmard Rigan a psychological counsellor explains.

He talks of the need to break from such a painful cycle and the importance of recognising one’s culpability in enabling the toxic behaviour.

“Work on yourself, your unhealthy attachment style and probably a low sense of self-worth.

Draw out your ideal relationship and work towards that without overly shortchanging yourself,” he advises.