Lifestyle

Why bad things happen to nice people

Thursday, September 17th, 2020 00:00 | By
Why bad things happen to nice people.

Think of all the times you’ve felt like a doormat, always doing people a favour, agreeing to something you didn’t have time for. These things happen to everyone, but especially to nice people.

Nailantei Norari @artnorari

Nice people: Always putting the need of others before themselves, are ready to give a hand. They volunteer to handle that project that no one wants to take.

They will back down from making requests if they inconvenience anyone else. And their free time is spent on giving, giving and more giving. So good of them, you may say

“It is an African thing. In traditional societies, one was expected to be nice to the point of even overextending yourself.

If a community member asked for something, it was not viewed as a request, but as compulsory,” Fiona Atieno, a psychologist and social expert explains.

But you have heard nice girls don’t get corner offices. Or nice girls attract bad guys.

Fiona says many people who are too nice struggle with putting up and keeping boundaries.

Being too nice here is defined as doing over and above what is required of you such that your quality of life is lowered from stress and inadequate time to attend to your personal needs. 

Misplaced guilt

In their book, Boundaries: When to say Yes, How to say no to take control of your life’, Dr Henry Cloud and John Townsend describe boundaries as clear lines, either physical or emotional that clearly outline where one person begins and the next one ends.

They argue for the importance of setting boundaries in both relational and professional contexts in order to reduce stress, avoid burnout, minimise financial stress and achieve better emotional and physical wellbeing.

“In some more capitalistic societies, nothing was for free. A favour now, would beget another one in future,”Fiona says.

Experts argue a kind, nice person who does not have solid boundaries to shelter behind is going to find themselves worse off.

In the article, 5 Ways Being Too Nice Can Become Negative, published on The Power of Positivity, the author states that if you don’t set boundaries, you will be viewed as a doormat and taken advantage of.

People will come to you only when they need something. You will attract people who are needy and manipulative partners who are lazy, friends who always need help, family members who constantly have a favour to ask.

Also, when you are too nice to others, you develop unrealistic expectations for them to do the same.

When they do not meet these expectations, you may become angry and resentful.

Experts say humanity must be seen for the enigma that it is –kind and cruel, compassionate and cold, charitable and selfish.

The ability to survive, thrive, and live in a healthy way is found in balancing these facets of the human condition.

What goes a long way to being nice is that you’re more likely to blame yourself than anyone else: It’s your fault, you should have known better, you did something that caused the other person to act the way they did, though you really have no idea what that may be.

As a resut, one suffers from anxiety and depression.

“Many people who are too nice suffer from misplaced guilt. They feel that they are being mean when they say ‘no’ to someone else or that they are failing that person by not showing up for them.

It is important to know that as much as you might have a duty of care to another person, you do not need to be so nice to them to the detriment of your own mental, financial and physical health,” Fiona further expounds.

According to the Boundaries book, boundaries help define what you are responsible for and what you are not responsible for.

You are responsible for yourself and for other people in your inner circle, but only up to a point.

For instance, as a good friend, you are responsible for social and psychological support, but are not responsible for changing your friend or getting their lives right.

It is not your duty to apologise for them to their loved ones when they mess up or coming up with a credible alibi when they cheat.

Therefore, refusing to do this should not leave you feeling guilty. Just as punishing an errant kid should not leave the parent feeling guilty.

While boundaries are healthy, it is important to know when and where to erect them.

It is just as important to know whether the boundary should be rigid or fluid depending on the interactions and the persons you are interacting with.

“Saying boundaries are great is ambiguous. It depends on the context,” Maurice Matheka a relationship expert and sexologist explains.

Way forward

“Boundaries are great, especially if they guard one’s mental health and well-being. But they can also be bad.

In relationships, if one spouse puts up rigid boundaries, they can push their partner out thereby leading to marital breakdown.

For instance, if a man has sexual boundaries of what he cannot do with the wife yet he will willingly do those same things outside the marital bed, that boundary will probably be the undoing of his marriage.

One should learn when and where to put up boundaries and how to enforce them while ensuring they do not erect boundaries where none should exist,” he adds.

Fiona agrees. She argues that boundaries are important in defining oneself either as an individual or in a couple.

She also argues for the importance of enforcing boundaries. “Define what you can take and what you cannot take and proceed to draw those boundaries.

Let the consequences of breaking those boundaries be clear. Enforce them, and without guilt, otherwise the boundaries become useless,” Fiona concludes.

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