Why fiancé wasted your precious time
Mary Muthoni broke up with her boyfriend two years ago after he told her to lose weight and learn how to cook.
Being an independent woman, Mary refused to allow that to determine whether she was wife material or not and that consequently resulted to their break up.
Now, she was shocked to learn that her exboyfriend had just married a woman who was twice Mary’s weight and had a full-time job that allowed her to travel, leaving her with no time to cook.
“I couldn’t believe when I heard that he married a woman who is worse than me when it came to weight and job-related issues.
"This was one of the things that we fought about and the reason we broke up,” she narrates.
If you have ever been dumped by a man, you would expect him to upgrade or at least marry someone who do not have the alleged qualities that made you break-up.
In fact, in your mind, you have the type of a woman he would fall for, since you already know his ‘taste.’ But many a times you end up getting the shock of your life, as he goes ahead to settle down with someone who is the completely opposite.
The right time One common reason is the time factor where psychologists argue that men marry the women who are around them when they are lonely or the one who sticks around when their hormones tell them that it’s time to settle down.
“If you have ever felt that you were the right person for someone and then you broke up with them, chances are that the man never felt like it was the right time. Timing is everything in men. This means that you can love a man passionately and they can love you back, but you have to guard your heart as it might not always end up in marriage,” says Allan Lawrence, a relationship expert.
Allan compares the situation to a chicken verses egg scenario where men sometimes are caught between loving the right woman at the wrong time and finding the wrong woman at the right time.
“They sometimes ask themselves, which is the best option? Who is that right person who will give me peace and be able to make a great wife as opposed to just being a great lover?” he poses.
If a woman pressures a man to commit, , Allan notes that this behaviour leads to many men rejecting those they love as they feel pressurised to act against their will.
“What women must understand is that there is nothing that they can ever do to speed up the process. This is not to say that a man you desire will never want to marry you. But you should watch the timing. Men fall in love and get married every day.
But men have their own biological clocks too and when they are ready, they head down the aisle as soon as they can,” says Allan. But sadly, it’s impossible to convince a man who doesn’t want to commit to do so. There are various ways one can use to check whether a man wants to marry or not. One of the major indicators that a man desires to marry is that he is comfortable talking about his future.
“If a man regularly avoids topics about himself, the future or the word ‘us,’ he is more likely to disappoint you if you are waiting to settle down. In fact, if he is routinely avoiding conversations of the future, but just has small talks on sex, then chances are that he will waste your time, “ he notes.
A man who loves you and wants to be with you also talks of the present and is not so self-absorbed and talking about himself all the time. “Marriage is all about viewing the two of you as one unit and if he regularly emphasises on the partnership and the ‘we,’ then chances are that you are not wasting your time in vain pursuits,” he continues.
Has he introduced you to his parents or family? Doing this means that he is considering you for the future. “ If a man is close to his family and you still haven’t been introduced even after dating for a long while, then it’s more likely that he is unsure or wasting your time.
Men know when the time to marry has come and whether the woman is the one or not,” he adds. Emotional incompatibility You know men are visual, right? It’s exactly why dudes flock towards the hot chick like moths to light. But if you have lived long enough, you will also attest to the bitter truth that beauty isn’t all it takes to sustain a solid relationship.
Eventually, Miss hotness chooses one of them, a ravishing wedding stamps their union, and off they disappear into the sunset. But without emotional compatibility, it’s not long before the union crumbles to dust.
“ Emotional compatibility is also a key thing to find out whether a man is ready or not. A woman should understand and learn how to discern whether they feel happy, comfortable, accepted, understood and aligned with what their partner desires or they are just changing and conforming with what someone else, who is not into them wants. While every man desire to feel respected and loved, and all a woman desires is to make him be happy, sometimes it’s not worth it sacrificing for someone who you are not emotionally connected,” he adds.
Allan recommends that women ask themselves the following questions if they want to know whether the man is promising or not. “Does your partner frequently put you first? Does he make sacrifices big and small for you, letting you choose the restaurant, accompanying you to events he’s not thrilled about, or putting aside something important to him just for you? Is he putting his life in order for your sake, such as his, lifestyle, just to accommodate you? If he is trying to do all this for you, then he is ready for a serious commitment, “ he says in conclusion.
