Why you are still single

Sunday, July 19th, 2020 12:00 | By
Sammy Baya, relationship counsellor. Photo/PD/Courtesy

While you may be doing everything in your power to attract your Prince Charming, it may surprise you to learn that some of your actions and behaviours can actually have the opposite effect. To take control of the situation and truly attract the right guys, here’s what you should avoid...

1. Playing hard to get 


While it’s true that men are drawn to women who are outgoing and assertive, Sammy Baya, a relationship counsellor, says it’s important to recognise that there’s a fine line between being independent and being unavailable.

You may think that playing hard to get and acting in a distant and disengaged way can help you attract a guy, but you may be making a mistake by not making time for him.

“While you may assume that acting detached and aloof increases your allure, you come across as uninterested, flaky, and just plain annoying,” he says.

2. Being too needy


When it comes to attracting men, it’s important to recognise that men want to feel as though they’re needed.

Specifically, men want to know that they add value to your life. However, many women mistakenly interpret a man’s desire to feel needed by becoming overly needy, jealous, and desperate to spend every waking moment with him — all of which are anything but appealing behaviour to guys. 

“I have dated a few clingy women and I can tell you there is nothing as bad as a woman who is so needy,” says Jack Onyango, 33. 

Baya says men want to know they complement your life as opposed to being the centre of your universe on which your entire happiness level and sense of self-worth depend. 

3. Being a Negative Nelly 

Throughout each day, we all go through a range of emotions. And that’s perfectly normal — it’s just part of being human.

Still, while we have to be authentic in how we react to situations, of course, we should also make a concerted effort to maintain a positive outlook.

Not only is it healthy for our own mental sanity, but it can also have an effect on our relationship.

One study showed that men found women less physically attractive if their personalities seemed negative. 

4. Bad-mouthing your ex 

You may think that bad-mouthing your ex around a new guy is a good decision, but it actually makes you look bad instead.

“While your intentions may be to show a guy how much you are over your last love and that he has nothing to worry about when it comes to living up to the men you have been with previously, constantly criticising your ex is a no no. 

After all, not only does your need to put down your ex make you come across as spiteful and juvenile, but your unrelenting fixation on your ex makes it seem as though you’re still harbouring feelings for him,” says Beatrice Nderitu, a sociologist. 

5. Having no purpose or ambition 

You don’t have to have your whole life figured out, but guys don’t want to be with someone who is lacking any sort of purpose or direction.

“It seems like you don’t know what you want to do with your life—it can make you come across as unstable,” says Baya.

While a man might enjoy feeling needed from time to time, Baya says your man doesn’t want to feel like he’s got to rescue you if you are constantly quitting jobs and changing courses in school — or if you have no drive. 

This might be, especially true if he’s got a clear vision for his future. “If you don’t know what you want with your life, it will be hard for a man to picture you by his side,” Baya adds.

6. Having no life 

Even if you are in a happy and mutually supportive relationship, sometimes you might need a little alone time.

This can be more true for some people than others, but, as a general rule, guys will want some space to breathe from time to time.

Wanting time apart is not, necessarily, a reflection on how he feels about you. 

“We all love feeling wanted, but it can be exhausting when your partner is excessively needy.

A guy will likely find it unattractive if you demand that he’s by your side 24/7 and can’t find any way to occupy yourself when he’s not around,” says Onyango.

What’s the compromise? Baya advises planning regular outings with friends, taking a fitness class, or binge-watching that show that you love (and he hates), while he does his own thing. Then, chill together and share your experiences!

7. A damsel in distress 

Many childhood fairy tales would have you believe that men are attracted to overly dramatic women who are in need of rescuing, but Nderitu says it’s time to turn the page on this outdated way of thinking.

“In reality, men aren’t interested in drama, and, if you take the “woe is me” approach in the hopes of attracting a guy, you may be sad to see that seeking his attention by playing the victim will only make you appear desperate, immature, and overdramatic,” she says. 

Rather than trying to catch his eye by catastrophising certain situations and hoping it will entice him to come and save you, Nderitu advises you save yourself the trouble by engaging in exercises that can help to boost your self-esteem, as well as learning effective problem-solving strategies that can help you become more self-sufficient. 

8. Always agreeing with him 


Believe it or not, always agreeing with a man can be a major turn-off. If you are afraid to state your own opinions, are unwilling to disagree with him, and/or want to avoid any conflict because you believe it will drive him away, it’s actually your lack of openness, honesty, and authenticity that will do just that. 

“Expressing your true thoughts and feelings is what helps to strengthen your connection and enables you to get to know each other on a deeper, more intimate level.

The key is to be your true self — that way you can attract the right man who appreciates the person you are and not the person you think he wants you to be,” Nderitu says. 

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