Sneak out or say goodbye?

When it is time to leave for work, Susan Nekesa’s two-year-old daughter’s reaction can be anything from a kiss and hug, to ignoring her to a flying screaming fit.

“Many times, I feel so guilty for sneaking out on her for fear of causing feelings of abandonment, but it always seems like it is the best thing to do. When I tell her goodbye, she cries so much even long after I have left,” says Nekesa. But when the girl is happily colouring or playing with her toys, the temptation to slip away is great.

Mercy Achieng shares the same sentiments, “My son breaks into a crying fit whenever I leave the house. Sometimes he cries himself to sleep no matter how my house girl coaxes him. It is heartbreaking,” she says.

She says for about six months, she has had to leave the house early when the baby is still sleeping or wait until he leaves the room, then  make a dash out of the door like a pro.

Nekesa and Achieng are among many parents who wonder whether it is better for them to take their lumps and say goodbye, even if it means a fit, or just disappear and reappear.

It is normal for babies and toddlers, especially those aged between six months and three years to be attached to their parents. Children want to feel protected, and the closer they are to their parents, the safer they feel. So, it’s understandable for a child to start crying if their mother suddenly disappears from sight. To avoid this automatic crying fit, mums will try to sneak out of the house, but experts say that it is better if your children see you leave.

Philomena Njeri, a child psychologist in Nairobi says before parting, it’s best to calmly, but confidently tell your child where you are going and that you will be back as soon as possible.

“Although it is painful to see them cry, it’s the healthiest thing to do. As they get older, they will understand that you always come back home after you leave,” she offers.

A mother of three children all above five years old, Njeri says it took her a while to understand this. “With my last born son, I had developed a habit of leaving the house unannounced and disappearing from his sight when he was distracted. When he realised that I was not in the room, he would spend a lot of time running around the house looking for me after. Because of my pattern of sneaking away when going out, he sometimes got so scared and thought I had left him yet, I was just in another room,” she explains.

Reducing anxiety

So, Njeri made up her mind to help reduce his anxiety. When she had to leave the house, she would explain that she would only leave for a few minutes and then return. She also would explain that she was just going to work and will be back as soon as she is done. A few weeks later, her son would happily tell her goodbye and even tell her to bring a fruit or a snack of his choice when she came back.

Njeri notes that it is important to explain to your child that you will leave, but will return, or else even a five-minute absence can cause children to panic. “In early childhood stages, 10 minutes feels much longer for your child than it does for you. Over time, the child will understand that mother always comes back after all, and their crying fits will lessen in time and frequency,” she retorts.

She tells parents not to worry about crying. The crying won’t stop immediately, and maybe not even soon. Tell the caregiver of your child to reassure the baby that mummy will be back soon and try to distract him with something he likes. Always letting your child to say goodbye even when he cries will allow him to get used to the pattern and thus, eventually balance out his emotions.

 She says sneaking out on your child without warning can generate insecurity and a lack of protection, “Do not leave the house without bidding goodbye to your child. Good communication and emotional bonds even when the baby is young generates an emotional support in your child that will affect them for their whole life,” she says.