Galana Kulalu project produces a bumper harvest – at last!
Mambo Matata
After years of patient waiting, painstaking work and huge investment, the Galana Kulalu agricultural project has finally yielded its first bumper harvest.
According to impeachable sources, the flagship project is at last on its way to becoming a roaring success, which means hunger will soon be a thing of the past in Kenya.
So fruitful is the project that Kenya will soon be a leading importer of premium products from the well-thought out, professionally planned and expertly executed scheme.
“Galana Kulalu project has finally produced 10 million sacks of dashed hopes, 40 million litres of tears, hundreds of tons of beefs and five million fishy stories,” said a source, who did not want to be named because he is not authorised to disclose the good news.
According to the source, the project is expected to yield even more in the coming months as hundreds of thousands of acres under corruption will soon be ready for harvest.
Another million acres under an assortment of crops including theft, land grabbing, ineptitude and downright mismanagement is also scheduled to be harvested in the not too distant future.
“From the look of things, it will be a bumper harvest. You can take it to the bank… you just wait and see,” said the source, grinning from ear to ear.
Asked about what contributed to all the bountiful yields from the project that cynics had all but dismissed as a complete failure, our source said the conditions were not only right, the people entrusted with implementing the scheme had done everything by the book. 
He said the implementers had also benchmarked widely and borrowed best practices from other wildly successful past Kenyan projects such as gold export compensation scheme of the 1990s which gave us the famous Goldenberg scandal and the upgrade of security systems project which yielded the Anglo Leasing scandal.
“The climatic conditions helped a lot. We had favourable amounts of greed that also contributed to the success of the aforementioned projects plus lukewarm political goodwill.
It was the perfect combination for a bumper harvest,” said the source, adding that Kenya has always been abundantly blessed with weather conditions that allow successful propagation of grand scandals that result in plentiful harvests for those who are it the right place at the right time.
“Despite talk of climate change whose effects began to manifest in 2003 and continued in 2013, it is evident that this has not had any significant impact on Kenya’s growing of grand scandals.
Not even the supposedly drastic climatic change that took place 2010 had much effect,” said the source.
The good harvests from Galana Kulalu project have also been chalked up to the best crop husbandry practices including the application of the recommended fertilizer and use of homegrown pesticides and herbicides that Kenya is globally famous for.
According to our source, there was generous application of the Double Selective Amnesia fertiliser and the highly effective Impunity pesticide.
“With that combination, you could only expect to get a bumper harvest of scandals, dashed hopes and plenty of tears. It works like magic every time,” he said.
The success of the Galana Kulalu project is expected to add to Kenya’s rich collection of white elephants and phantom development that will not only attract tourists but also be a case study for many years to come.
“It was about time we had another white elephant. For all her shortcomings, this country does not disappoint when it comes to creating spectacular white elephants that attract wide-eyed adventure seekers.
This animal is clearly far from joining the list of endangered species,” observed our source. – [email protected]
