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Letter to my employer on novel staff motivation ideas

By Patrick Wachira
Monday, March 16th, 2020
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Dear sir/madam,

The salutation is referenced to both gender because I am not sure who will pass the buck to who, but that should not get in the way.

I am aware in most companies communication in the form of memos typically tends to cascade downwards, not unlike teardrops, which many of your letters tend to cause, but again that is subject for another day.

You need to create time to read this, now that your main preoccupation is to do the memos yourselves.

I can assure you that I mean well, at least for myself and a few other well-meaning folks who toil day and night to make the company name shine.

Today I am brimming with ideas that can make me even more innovative and creative than I have been in decades. If you pick just two, we shall be in business, in a manner of speaking.

For starters, I have toyed with the idea of taking leave twice a year. I am proposing that I take six-month leave, twice a year. Paid, of course.

I can assure you that I have crosschecked in many countries, including the so-called Asian tigers and first world economies and this works like magic.

If we implement this proposal, we will be benchmarking with the very best. That move will elevate our company to levels only previously dreamed of. Take my word for it.

Just in case we run into headwinds implementing this world-famous idea, I propose every afternoon, folks at my level be allowed a two-hour nap at a lounge constructed just for this purpose.

It goes without saying a fully-stocked bar would go hand-in-glove with this marvelous idea, just to make the nap even more magical.

I can guarantee you a bloke just woken up from this nap will work like a horse, and those deadlines everyone screams about will become a thing of the past.

I do not know about the executive wing but I suspect the loo has air freshener, perhaps those things that release the aroma of roses and carnations, you know, lavender, strawberry, wild fruits, lemon, and the like.

The loo I go to has just the basics. Detergent, tap. That’s it. Now, this is not good for nurturing creativity. At least, it ain’t enough, I tell you. Haki!

Which bloke can unleash his creative potential if he comes from the loo and some chap with a bad stomach has been doing his thing, leaving behind a noxious stink that makes one cringe?

Which editor can craft punchy headlines if they come back from the loo looking like they have seen death?

By now I am sure we are reading from the same script, as we say in the writing circles.

Back in the newsroom, it would make sense for senior folks to have the choice of tea, drinking chocolate or coffee if they are to give their best.

Commonly brewed tea does little to lift the spirits of a senior fellow, who is working to not just beat deadlines but craft attractive headlines and improve on stories so that readers out there think our reporters are the best thing from journalism school.

Coffee is particularly useful for keeping a tired head awake. Caffeine influence has this tendency of telling the head to wake up and stay awake. Trust me.

The last time I checked with international best practices, when a bloke goes on leave, they get leave travelling allowance. Now we can make this even more attractive.

We can make the company pay for my holiday at a beach hotel somewhere in South Coast. You know those facilities that have a view of the sea beyond pristine, white, endless beaches? Yes! Those ones.

You know the joints. The suntanned waitresses with hourglass figures walk around with little pencils and tiny notepads and take your order. After delivery, they smile and say “enjoy your drink, sir” leaving you staring. Story for another day.

I can assure you when the likes of yours truly come from such holidays, output and creativity will triple, not to mention the long hours of grind. They will be taken in stride, if you get the drift.

I could go on and on but if we start with what I have suggested here, we should be in business with little or no regrets on either party.

At the risk of repeating myself, if we could start with that six month leave twice a year, I assure you of a miracle, never mind that you only see those on TV by cantankerous televangelists who sell the gospel to the highest bidder.

Sincerely Yours,

Bro Wash

– The writer is Special Projects Editor, People Daily