Of Valentine’s tales and two looming ‘conferences’

By Patrick Wachira
Monday, February 10th, 2020
Valentine gift.

Four days from now, the whole of Nairobi (and a few villages nearby) will be afire, almost in the literal sense.

You see, folks will be falling over each other to express love on this day, as if whatever they have been doing all year round is chicanery and fooling around.

Well, it is a little funny, if you ask me, to pick just one day and prance around, especially for the fairer sex, clad in red, and showing off for the whole world to see.

Some wag calls it cupid, whoever that was (like was he a relative of Ali Baba or Robinson Crusoe, for instance?) and that serves the purpose of painting the town red.

Indeed, one would be forgiven for thinking the town is on fire, which perhaps it will be, if you know what I mean. If you don’t, that is a story for another day.

I was telling you about Friday, and the drama that will come with it.

Cool tempers

Sometime ago, some folk appeared on the front pages of a national newspaper, and he was pictured buying a bunch of red roses. Sorry, a bouquet. Bunch may more appropriately refer to sukuma wiki or something like that.

In high society, where roses mean the world, they call them a bouquet.

Now, that chap who was pictured buying roses smiled at the camera and bared his dental formula for all the world to see.

Village murmurs had it that the roses never arrived home and our mutual friend was in trouble with the wife, who wanted to know where the roses ended up.

How that saga was resolved is a story we must narrate another day, but suffice it to say he parted with loads of cash to cool the tempers that threatened to put asunder what the almighty had put together.

But back to what I hear is called Valentine’s. I am told that some folks have organised a men’s conference at a venue that remains a secret for now.

I also hear that Mzee Jackson Kibor, that Uasin Gishu politician, who divorced a woman for pinching his thighs is listed as a guest speaker.

Indeed, he was on TV last week saying he knew about the conference and would attend.

He might just give a few useful tips on how a man can marry every so often as long as he distinguishes himself as the undisputed mzee of the boma.

Give tips

I managed to obtain a secret list of attendees and it says a guy called Waititi (as his friend Sonko has saved him in his phone) will also present a paper on “Why good grammar is crucial”. 

He might throw in a few tips on how cronyism is part and parcel of the conduct of public affairs.

Gatundu South MP Moses Kuria might make a surprise appearance, or so rumour has it, to speak on “How politicians can think before they open their mouths”.

He could consider giving a few tips to politicians on what gear to carry in public, perhaps including a piece of cloth just in case he appears in a pubic forum where he is not wanted and is forced to sit on a dusty floor.

You see, business suits do not come cheap and should be treated with some level of respect, especially by the likes of governor Charity Ngilu.

Running parallel with this conference is another, this time for women. Its location will also be secret but a mole I spoke to tells me a certain former high ranking Judiciary official will speak on “How to move on in a week” after divorce.

Cut short gathering

That should be interesting as my Uncle Habakkuk has been on phone every day this last week, asking me how long anyone should stay before moving on after divorce or the death of a spouse.

A social media operative, Dorcas Sarkozy is also expected and the subject of her presentation remains as elusive as her own identity. Hers should be the highlight of the conference.

Vera Sidika, another socialite, will also be present to tell women “How to keep it natural”. Ignore tales of her bleaching...

The strange thing is that the women say that their caucus will last as long as the men’s. I am still pondering the implications of this. Should it jolt the men into cutting short their gathering?

Folks, I will be the fly on the wall at the conference and will tell you afterwards what men cherish most and their deepest fears. Have a conference-free week, folks! – The writer is Assignments Editor, People Daily