Uganda women on the spot for refusing to give birth to presidents

Mambo Matata

Alarmed by the reality of spending another five years in office, President Yoweri Kaguta Museveni has reportedly threatened to have all Ugandan women arrested and locked up for refusing to give birth to presidents.

According to Impeachable Sources, the President had hoped that this time round, someone would give him a deserved break after 35 years on the job, but as the election results started to trickle in, he was shocked that he was going nowhere.

“I truly believed that a Ugandan woman had finally taken a pity on me and given birth to a president. I thought Bobi Wine was really the one, only to turn out that he was a fake like the others before him,” a source quoted a dejected Museveni as saying soon after the electoral commission declared him the winner of last week’s election.

Saying he envied United States President Donald Trump who was allowed to rest after only five years in office, Museveni questioned the commitment of Ugandan women to their sacred duty of giving birth to presidents.

He also wished he were his Kenyan counterpart Uhuru Kenyatta who is sure that he will have someone to relieve him of the arduous presidential job in less than two years from now.

“Uhuru, who found me here, will soon enjoy his retirement. Kibaki who, also found me in office, has been resting for 10 years. I’m also human, you know, and I deserve a break,” he lamented. 

Other countries like the US and Kenya, he reportedly moaned, had enough in their presidential reservoirs to change leaders every 10 or five years, but Uganda cannot find even a single man or woman to replace him in four decades.

For that reason, Museveni said he was afraid of suffering the ignominy of dying in office like some past leaders, or being allowed to go home when he is too old and feeble to be of any use to himself and his family.

And he placed the blame squarely where it should be – in the wombs of Ugandan mothers! 

The women, he reportedly said, had proved time and again that they were unable, or had refused to, carry presidential material in their wombs.

“Are our wombs cursed? You cannot tell me that for half a century, a country with such beautiful and hardworking women can only give birth to one leader!

Our mothers have spectacularly failed in their duty,” he reportedly said.

Museveni is said to be particularly furious with the women of his National Resistance Movement (NRM), who he accused of not even trying.

Opposition mothers, he said, at least have been pretending to produce presidential material, who unfortunately turn out to be counterfeits when they are tested in the ballot box. 

“Can’t NRM mothers not even produce one who can shoot his way to power the way I did 35 years ago?

Where did the warrior blood in our movement go?” a source quoted the President as saying.

The President whined that by being kept in power for so long, he had neglected his personal business and given up hobbies such as trimming the horns of his beloved cows, pruning his bananas and going hunting in the forest.

Frustrated by lack of response from Ugandan women, Museveni reportedly threatened to direct First Lady Janet to immediately give birth to a president.

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Meanwhile, Ugandans have rejected attempts to serve them wine, saying they are perfectly okay with their good old waragi.

Having imbibed the sterner stuff for more than three decades, they say, they find anything else an insult to their palate.

“Wine is for softies. We Ugandans love our waragi because it packs a punch that knocks you down immediately. Wine is a No! No!” said one Ugandan, a grimace of disgust on his face. – [email protected]