Achokis: I’m afraid to face my in-laws this holiday as I don’t have a baby yet
Hi Achokis. My name is Zippy and I have been married to a handsome young man for the last eight years. We are in our late 30s. We have no child though we have had two miscarriages. We hope to have a baby one day. December is here and I am afraid of going to shags to face my inlaws and community. The question of the baby arises every holiday. Others have even stated that we earn a lot and don’t want to share. Will this ever stop?
Hi Zippy. Thank you for reaching out. The holidays come with mixed emotions— happy that the festive season is finally here, looking forward to the family reunions, yet for someone like you, there is the fear of the questions that may arise. Others may be battling with the hard economic times and are wondering how they will spend these holidays.
Having been married that long, the family may be expecting that you should have had a baby by now. Little do they know that you also wish to have babies, but are not able to. It is not their fault as they may not be aware of your miscarriages, nor your struggle to have babies. So, try to understand them and don’t let it bother you as much.
It isn’t your fault
Couples without children go through so much. They face ridicule and shame, yet it is not their fault that they are childless. Society is, especially harsh on the woman. They only think that you are selfish, you don’t want children to interfere with your lives. Hence, the public must be sensitised on how to handle such issues so that they don’t end up hurting childless couples as has happened to you.
These are things you as a couple need to be aware of and talk about. You need your spouse’s 100 per cent support and protection. Since you are going to your in-laws, your husband needs to shield you from his people. He can do so by, depending on your relationship with his parents, explaining to them, of course with your permission, what’s happening. If his parents were against the marriage or don’t like you, he may not need to explain this to them as it may give them fodder to hurt you more. If you are good friends with your mother-in-law, you can also talk to her as she will be your greatest defender having known your struggles.
Your hubby should stand by you
Realise that you cannot stop what others think or say about you, but you can stop that from affecting you. Forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing. Don’t let it come in between the two of you. If you have to go, then maybe make it short. Let your man protect you and ensure that you are not humiliated by his people. That might make it easier for you.
The writers are marriage and relationship coaches.