Achokis: My wife is unbothered by our sexless life

Hi Achokis, I have been married for five years now with one baby. When we were newly married, my wife and I had a very vibrant sex-life. However, in the last one year, our sex-life has waned. We don’t seem to have sex as often and even when we do, it’s not as it used to be. It bothers me a lot, but doesn’t seem to bother my wife—well, I think so as we haven’t really talked about it. My fear is that this may make me look for sex outside and I don’t want to do so. How can we or I be helped?

-Mike

Thank you Mike for bringing this up. Many couples suffer in silence in this area, and as a result, the one with a higher sex drive, be it a man or woman may be tempted to cheat. But you don’t have to do so.

There can be many reasons as to why things are the way they are between the two of you. It may be that both of you are not prioritising sex in your marriage. You are not deliberately planning for it or making time for it to happen. So, whenever it happens, it happens by chance. In order for it not to be just another thing you do, why not try scheduling it. That way you may prepare yourself for it and in turn prepare her as well.

Stress-related

The other reason may be due to stress from work or house chores. When we are physically tired by the end of the day, we have no more energy to even think about sex. Your wife may be struggling with being a new mum and the responsibilities that come with it. Her attention may also have shifted from you to the little one. You, on the other hand may have distracted yourself with work or are swamped by it that you forget to connect with her during the day.  So, by the time you come home she’s not ready for you? 

Or could it be that she isn’t enjoying sex and so isn’t looking forward to it? Remember that sex is not just something she does for you or gives you, but a mutual fulfillment. The things that worked during your early years may not be working now. You need to become a student of your wife to learn what turns her on nowadays. We also cannot rule out the effect of contraceptives or her fear of getting pregnant again.

Seek counselling

It’s important that you raise this issue with your wife. We know talking about sex is one of those difficult conversations for many couples. But talk about it, we must. If talking about it is difficult for you, why not try bringing up the topic with a trusted couple friend or with a counsellor. Getting an outside perspective and finding a safe space to talk and ask the necessary questions might just ease the tension. This may provide the necessary catalyst to start talking about it— just the two of you.