Heart vs wallet
NAILANTEI NORARI
“The other day, I picked up a girl at Two Rivers and dropped her off in a university hostel in Rongai. On reaching there, she said she did not have any money.
The fare came to around Sh1,800. She explained that the man she had been with at Two Rivers picked her up from the hostel to take her out. He was supposed to drop her home but they fought during the date.
She offered me her ID and promised to pay me back soon,” an Uber driver I’m riding with tells me on my way to work. What ensues is a candid discussion about men, women and money.
It is clear that finance plays a central role in deciding on who to pick as a romantic partner, whether we are in our early twenties or looking for a partner to settle with later on in life.
Economic dependence is the main reason most women stay, even in abusive relationships as the one outlined above, while increased economic independence especially amongst women is one of the major causes of divorce, at least according to a peer reviewed masters paper from the University of Nairobi, dated 2018.
Going by the same title, it outlines that the main cause of divorce and separation is infidelity followed closely by finances and poverty constraints.
Someone once said that if one took money and sex from relationships today, men and women respectively would have nothing to offer. Maurice Matheka, a relationship specialist supports the argument.
He believes men and women should be able to have non-transactional relationships, however, emotional immaturity bars this from happening. “Money is supposed to be a tool for our convenience.
We have, however, made relationships about money. Women expect money after engaging in something that they mutually agreed to and draw as much pleasure from as men.
The men are okay with it and wholly support it. There needs to be a whole mindset change in both sexes and how they approach money and the role that it should play in relationships,” he says.
PATRIARCHY AND MONEY
Money equates to power, at least to most men, who believe that they should be bringing home the bacon. When the woman has a bigger paycheck or a more influential position than the man she is in a relationship with, it is normally an issue.
A Nairobi-based struggling artist who only wishes to be identified as Peter has gone through two doomed relationships and he blames his meager finances for the crumble of both.
“We all know acting does not pay much in Kenya. To make matters worse, the jobs are few and come only every so often. So, getting and maintaining a girlfriend is hard work.
The first girlfriend was at least kind, she told me that I was struggling to maintain her, while there was a man who could easily pay her rent and give her airtime without looking like he was donating blood - her words,” he says with a chuckle.
“The second and most recent relationship was okay till she got an internship at an accounting firm where she got a starting gross salary of around Sh50,000. After that, she just became intolerable.
If we went out with friends and she happened to be buying the drinks, she would just bring it up over and over again, whether alone or in company, till I had enough,” regrets Peter.
RESPECT AND SUBSERVIENCE
Sue, who recently broke up with a man who now earns less is of a different opinion.
“We met in campus and had stayed together through our tarmacking days. He got a job first and supported us till I got one too.
We always had issues from the very start. He was controlling and a bit dictatorial. We were bound to break up eventually.
It just so happened that it was after I got a job and now he believes I dumped him because he earns less. There were cracks long before the issue of him earning less came up,” she explains.
“A man earning less can break or make a marriage especially if there are pre-existing fractures. The money situation might exacerbate matters and make an insecure man and one with low self-esteem even worse.
It might also make a woman bossier and mean and prone to disrespecting the man, solely because she earns more.
I think both sides need to know that the respect you give someone should not be proportional to a monthly cheque or bank balance,” Maurice weighs in on the debate.
While it is unusual for a man to be a stay-at-home dad while the woman brings in the bacon, this is quite common in the West.
It is uncustomary to find men in Africa giving up anything in support of their wives’ careers. It is often the woman who has to compromise.
Prince Phillip, Queen Victoria’s husband, however, gave up what could have been an illustrious career in the military to be a consort.
A few men are following suit and switching to slower lanes, such as entrepreneurship, so as to support their women’s ambitions.
This is a welcome change of pace, compared to the formerly more common case of women being the ones who give up their financial and economic independence to support a man and to pander to his insecurities.
According to the 2014 Kenya Demographic Health Survey, men’s jealousy is directly proportional to the money their partner makes, with women who were earning big salaries experiencing more jealousy and controlling habits from their husbands compared to those who stay at home or are paid in kind (groceries, food or service provision such as fee payment for children).
There have also been incidences of men who earn less than their women acting outrageously, such as demanding the family spends his money only.
That is, lives in a house that his salary can pay for, so that the wife’s money is never touched for familial expenses.
To avoid such showdowns, some women have gone on record as being unwilling to share news about promotions either in title or in monetary terms, so as not to affect the family balance.
WHAT DO YOU FOCUS ON?
While this is the case in some relationships, there are those where money is more of a backdrop rather than the centerpiece gluing or separating the marriage.
David Moses, a husband, father of one, pastor and businessman is happily married to a woman who earns more and he is not threatened by it.
He says that as a couple, they see finances as a tool that they can use in their marriage, but not as a cog or driver of their relationship.
“I fell in love with her character and personality long before I knew she would earn more by nature of her profession.
Even during pre-marital counselling, the issue of money came up and the pastor emphasized the importance of being open about finances. So yes, money is important.
If wrongly managed, it can lead to numerous issues and even the dissolution of a union. So, it is important to deal with it with as much clarity and wisdom as you would any other issue that you may come across as a couple,” David advises.
John Kirimi, a financial analyst and advisor agrees that money can make or break a relationship. He also shares that there are some partners who are so open and constructive when dealing with money, so they use it as a tool to draw each other closer.
“I have seen couples open joint accounts so that they can buy T-bonds and shares as a unit. Some open accounts in their childrens’ names and trade with them.
Over time, these families grow stronger not just in their financial standing, but as a couple and a single unit as well. Money is a tool, you can use it for good or evil,” Kirimi explains.
David is a firm practitioner of this financial counsel, as he co-owns Chen Steps Investment Limited with his wife Tochiu, where they do car hire services.
“Our relationship is also firmly anchored in Christ,” he adds. “It is simply what you choose to focus on. You can focus on finances alone, or focus on the sum total of all the components that make your relationship.”
