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I cook, clean for my hubby, but he says I don’t respect him

By Barnabas Achoki
Monday, September 28th, 2020
I don’t respect him.
In summary

Hi Achokis.

I have been married for the last 10 years. My husband and I have three children. Of late, he has been complaining that I don’t respect him.

I make sure his clothes are clean and ironed, his food is cooked and respect him as the head of our home.

So, I don’t understand what he means by this. I’m getting tired of hearing this- after all, respect must also be earned.

Am I missing something here? Please help. I don’t want to spoil my marriage!

OUR TAKE

It’s interesting that so often, men complain that their wives don’t respect them and at the same time, women say how they do everything to respect their men. 

First, respect is of importance to men just as love is important to a woman. Men so often don’t complain about not being loved as women do, but they complain of not being respected.

Even if they say they don’t feel loved, by further interrogating them, you would find that what they actually mean is that they don’t feel respected. 

Secondly, note that it’s how one feels that matters. It’s not a matter of facts—pointing out the things you do for him or that you feel you are doing to respect him.

It’s about whether he feels respected or not. So the first thing to do is to ask him what you have been doing (or not doing) that makes him feel not respected.

As he does so, don’t try to defend yourself, but rather keenly listen to him as he voice his feelings. 

Examine yourself 

You may have been right in correcting him, but was your tone respectful? Did you talk to him the way you talk or correct the children?

You see, women because of their nurturing tendencies tend to talk to their husbands the way they do to their children and this comes out disrespectful for their men. 

Thirdly, check the seasons when this feelings are heightened? Is it when he’s broke or stressed at work?

Is he going through a situation  that is making him feel less of a person? In such moments, how you address him and your tone of voice or behaviour may further pull him down making him feel disrespected. 

Making decisions without consulting him, or going ahead to do something that you didn’t quite agree on makes a man feel disrespected.

The jokes or comments you make about him can also make him feel disrespected. 

Watch how you behave towards him, how you correct him, especially before the children, what you say to and about him especially when you are upset. That way, you will know not just what to say or do, but how to say and do it. 

Focus on what your husband does well. Speak well of him. If you want to have a peaceful, happy marriage, learn the art of the compliment.

Compliments are like magnets, and the more you compliment your husband the more he will be attracted to you. 

The writers are marriage and relationship coaches   — [email protected]

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