Marital abuse and the church: When a home of refuge becomes an enabler of violence

They worked together and attended the same church. So when this Prince Charming decided to take their friendship to the next level, Elsie Wandera was convinced he was the one.

“I remember I was clear I wanted to marry someone who was born again. He would use the line that he had a relationship with God and that is what made me say ‘yes’ to him,” she recalls.

Married at the age of 38 in 2019, Elsie’s desire was to be an example of what a beautiful marriage was all about.

She felt that she was getting married at a mature age when she was aware of what marriage entailed. But soon, Elsie began to see the red fl ags that she had been ignoring while they were dating magnify during their marriage.

“He had anger issues even before we got married. Again, I never realised that he has a huge fi nancial debt and didn’t let me know about it. We used to fi ght badly over small issues,” she adds.

Eight months into the marriage and Elsie had to fundraise to bail out her husband from jail. Elsie has endometriosis (a condition in which cells similar to the lining of the uterus, or endometrium, grow outside the uterus).

She is founder of Endometriosis Foundation of Kenya. Her husband would use her condition to get people to contribute, but he never contributed to any of her medical expenses. A year after they got married, Elsie requested if they could attend counselling.

“When I told our church counsellors the whole story, I was told to submit and watch my tone when I confront him and that I should allow the elders to talk to him since he was a man. I felt like I was drowning in the stress of making my marriage work and since trust was breached, I subscribed to programmes in church that could help us,” she says.

In the beginning of 2020, the bank seized their joint bank account and at that point she felt alone. Her husband had also began to gaslight her. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim’s mind. He alleged that her lifestyle was what made them be in debt.

As a coping mechanism, Elsie began to drink, which also became a bone of contention in the marriage.

“We would go to counselling in church and instead of addressing why I was drinking, they would tell me stop drinking. No one addressed what my husband was doing to me. He would threaten me and I felt like my life was in danger by just staying with him,” she shares.

Blanket statements Elsie was later diagnosed with a major depressive disorder in February 2020 and was on medication for eight months. It was here that she felt she had to separate from her husband.

“I chose myself because I didn’t feel like I had the backing of the church. I remember when I raised the issue that I was getting divorced, the church told me that they don’t believe in divorce and that I should work on myself.

They also told me to pray and things would fi gure themselves out. While I believe in God, we need therapists to deal with the inner issues that are unraveling in our lives. My husband was disrespectful to me and my parents,” she adds.

Questions have been raised on whether the church encourages domestic violence and in worse scenarios death. The Bible in Malachi 2:16 says God hates divorce. Ephesians 5:22 says “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.”

Social scientists say the teachings on submission create an unhealthy imbalance of power in the home where men feel superior and have the right to ‘discipline’ the wife in situations where they feel insecure or aggrieved by the wife’s behaviour. Last year, renowned Gospel artist Osinachi Nachukwu died after she fell victim of domestic abuse. Her husband and manager, Peter Nwachukwu, a pastor was arrested following her death.

Statistics show that as of 2019, over 85 per cent of Kenyans identifi ed as Christians, which means that many of those who suffer marital strife would seek refuge in the church. “Not many churches have the capacity to address abuse.

Yes, they have great pastors who preach powerfully. They still haven’t embraced the fact that divorce is okay. They make blanket statements such as ‘God hates divorce’ and wives should submit to their husbands,” says Elsie.

She adds: “We need trauma recovery and abuse programmes to address such issues and restore victims. The church glamourises marriage and makes them think that it is the only thing that we are aspiring to,” explains Elsie.

“There are quite a number of scriptures that advise on how to live with one another. It cautions us about our selfish or self-centred ways and to value our partners interests above ours. Which I think is brilliant if we are spending time working at each other’s needs then chances are our needs are being met,” explains Emmanuel Gachanja, founder of iVow and a relationship coach.

female do this by yielding our life and way for the greater good of the family/marriage till death as per our vows and covenant.

When it comes to the Bible, the writer of Ephesians begins by instructing us to submit to one another, meaning mutual submission. Yes, men are to also submit to the relationship and to their wife,” he continues.

False ideology on submission

He further adds that submission also means that a man is committed to the relationship and understanding that his helper has gifts, strengths and wisdom they bring to the table and should be able to lean on them for the greater good of the relationship.

“For the man, he is challenged to love his wife like Christ loves the church. This is important because in the beginning in Genesis 3 after the fall of man, one of the curses that came as a result is that the man will rule over his wife.

This rule has resulted in abuse and men being overbearing and oppressive to women. This has then resulted to the false ideology of what submission is and just at the mention of the word, it will raise goose bumps and defenses,” he observes. Rev Dr Peter Wanyonyi, a pastor at Christian Revival Church says submission in marriage means the respect a wife has towards her husband.

“Being submissive to your husband doesn’t mean you should be silent to death in an abusive marriage. If the life of one party in a marriage is in danger, then I always advice for a separation to save a life until there is peace before the couples come together,” he says.

“The lack of understanding of what submission means results in abuse, both physical and emotional. Submission doesn’t minimise a wife into mindlessness or unquestioning obedience. It also doesn’t mean that the husband is always right or gives a husband license to abuse her,” he explains.

Psychologist Faith Gichanga says the church has presently been instrumental in trying to promote the emotional well-being of their congregants as more people seek counsel from the church instead of counsellors.

However, such a shift has issues. “There are times when people have shared their problems with the clergy, but left feeling unsatisfied, unheard or even judged. An example is in the case of domestic abuse victims who go to some pastors only to be sent right back to the arms of the perpetrator and encouraged to pray for them more and asked to avoid provoking the abuser to violence — in short to walk on eggshells in their own home,” she explains.

Faith adds that such form of advice can be confusing to the victim because it comes from an authority figure they respect.

“It makes the victim believe that it is their fault that the abuser is unhappy and is violent towards them. This makes them try and shrink themselves even more, but because the problem is the abuser, the situation only ameliorates briefly before the pattern repeats itself.

As a result, the victims feel like failures, which affects their self-esteem, making them even more stuck and unable to leave that toxic environment,” she says.

Seek professional help

As a psychologist, Faith observes that the term submission has grossly been taken out of context by some men to promote toxic masculinity.

“It has been used as a tool to gain power and control over their wives and this is the foundations of abuse. Submission in marriage is not meant to create power imbalance between the couple by considering the wife inferior and vice versa — it is meant to exist in a partnership where there are different, but complementary roles between spouses for a marriage to thrive,” she continues.

Faith advises couples to realise that there is no one size fits all formula and to always seek professional assistance should they experience physical or emotional abuse in their home.

“Roles are assigned differently based on culture, religion, level of exposure, age set, value system among others.

Roles are important to bring order to the functioning of a marriage and, therefore, as long as a wife’s submission helps turn the cogs on the family wheel and mutual respect is between a couple is maintained, then that is alright. But they shouldn’t be used as an avenue of physical and emotional abuse and the victim should seek assistance and should leave the marriage should their lives be threatened,” she says in ending.