Salute to the men playing dad and mum roles in their children’s lives
As the world celebrates Father’s Day, dads who find themselves playing the role of mum and dad under whatever circumstance come into focus. In their intrinsic unpreparedness, these fathers dive into childcare; cooking for the children, attending school activities, and looking after their emotional and psychological health all while maintaining the overall sanity of the home.
This is the situation Levi Kones found himself in when his wife left the country to advance her education early this year. Her departure signaled a coup to the natural order of the Kones household.
Levi, a TV Director at Kass International and author, will in the next nearly two years oversee the care of their three daughters and their home — an exceptional assignment. “I could not sleep in the days preceding her trip because it hit me that she was going. Even though we do not have small children, my eldest is 21, second born 14 and the little one is eight years, I was still in limbo as to what I should do,” says Levi.
He continues, “My wife and I had already begun having conversations about her leaving and how that would look like, but you do not comprehend the enormity until it happens,” he says.
More time
One of the immediate shocks Levi experienced in the absence of his wife was that cleaning requires particular mastery. “Because of the chaos of my wife’s packing, our room was left in a mess and it took me three days to put everything in order, something she does in hours. Then I discovered that children eat a lot of fruits, which are not sourced in one place,” he shares
While the task has not been easy, Levi’s resolve has never deserted him “The feedback from the children makes me know how to go about things. I enlist the help of my wife virtually, our relatives, and friends,” says Levi.
Sometimes her wife’s friends will come and cart away the girls for a sleepover. Other times, they bring home supplies and hang out with the family.
“I spend a lot of time with my children now and I enjoy teaching them things from a male perspective because some things that relate to men can only be taught by men, such as how to communicate with a man,” says Levi.
Levi has also learned to foster better communication with his children. “I have become more detailed. These days when I ask whether they are okay, I just do not leave it at that, I ask more questions. Like now, I know my daughter mentioned her friend would be moving, so I have had to keep this conversation going,” he shares.
He adds that children’s well-being go beyond the provision of food and shelter, an aspect that may elude fathers naturally wired to materialistically provide.
Since he began to buy groceries, he has mastered how to circumvent the high cost of goods, by browsing different shops and buying discounted foods. He has also learned the best way to tame his expenditure is to venture outside the house less. “Every time I do not leave the house, I am like, ‘thank God I have saved.’ I was not always like this before,” he says humorously.
Once an unenthusiastic tidier, Levi now cleans his bathroom regularly, and he has also had to maneuver his schedule to be in the house by 5pm, just about the time her last-born child is coming from school.
His eldest daughter stays in campus, but her presence is a constant over the weekends. As the interim mother, she makes sure they have enough food and that their nanny is meeting her deliverables.
In his devotion to caring for the family, Levi subconsciously tucked away his well-being. “I realised I was not doing anything in terms of personal goals; I could not put the final touches to my second book, I was not exercising. I was just doing things in the house that made it run smoothly. And I think many women get caught up in this because they feel if they leave the steering wheel, things will go south,” he candidly says.
Appreciating mothers
He continues, “I have come to appreciate mothers more because it takes a lot of work to take care of the home and people, putting children before you takes a constant toll on the body, heart, mind, and soul. Because you put aside education, career goals, and sometimes women are vilified for it.”
But now he has established a rhythm; he wakes up earlier to exercise, sets time aside for writing his book, and counsels young boys in his church, activities that enrich his life beyond being a father and husband.
He also documents his parental escapades on social media in quirky, sentimental, details revealing newly discovered information about his children and himself.
Levi understands he may not participate in parenting with the same excellence as his wife. However, even with this clarity, he believes this opportunity will richly strengthen his relationship with his children.
“For those fathers that find themselves playing the role of dad and mum because of either divorce, bereavement, or studies do it well,” he says in ending.
