Gaslighting: A toxic parenting trait
Wednesday, May 3rd, 2023 10:52 | By
The term gaslighting has seeped into our language in recent years, revealing that the phenomenon is much more prevalent in our everyday lives than we realised. Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse involving repeated attempts to influence someone into doubting their own memory, judgement, or sanity. Parents who gaslight their children use many toxic ways to manipulate and control them. A gaslighting parent consistently denies or disputes a child’s experiences or feelings, making the child doubt their recollection so that they can escape responsibility for their actions, and this makes for one of the most narcissistic parenting styles. According to Naomi Ngugi, counselling psychologist and advocate against domestic violence, gaslighting can take many forms including emotional gaslighting, which happens when a parent responds to a child’s feelings as though they are wrong trying to show the child that they shouldn’t feel the way they are feeling. Parents gaslight their children in various ways; such as rewriting history. “Is it possible that a child and parent will have different recollections of the same event? Sure. But a gaslighting parent tends to undermine their child’s recollection, regardless of what it is. They’ll discredit the child’s memories with brush-offs such as, “You’re exaggerating!” or “Stop being so dramatic — it was nothing,” says Beatrice Nderitu, a psychologist. Some parents also create unhealthy competition. They might compete with the child for attention or even friends. Gaslighting parents also have a tendency to pit siblings against one another. The child being gaslit will serve as the scapegoat, while the parent puts a sibling on a pedestal. Lying, undermining children While many parents are happy when their children are successful, those who gaslight undermine their children’s success. “Got accepted to a national school or the best institution of higher education? They’ll tell you it’s a waste of money. Got a promotion at your first job? They might suggest your employer made a mistake or there was a reason other than merit that swayed the decision-making process,” Nderitu explains. Perhaps one of the most perplexing aspects of a gaslighter is the fact that they’ll deny something they said or did, even when faced with irrefutable truth. They’ll lie for no reason. And they’ll double down in their dishonesty if you try to challenge it. It goes without saying that being raised in a household with someone who lies about everything can definitely affect the value a child places on the truth. Gaslighters are also notoriously volatile. Anything can set them off and, often, it’s little things you wouldn’t expect to be such a big deal. Maybe their child knocked off a glass of water. In the grand scheme of things, that’s a blip. “An honest mistake. Typical child behaviour. But it could make a gaslighter lose their sense, making the child feel like everything they do is wrong,” she says. Everybody makes mistakes— even parents. To apologise to someone is to admit you were wrong. “Gaslighting parents don’t apologise. To admit you were wrong is to relinquish control. A gaslighter isn’t going to want to do that. They’ll either wait it out long enough for the child to “get over it,” or until the child apologises (it doesn’t matter if the conflict clearly wasn’t the child’s fault). A gaslighting parent has to be right about everything… even when they’re not,” Nderitu explains. Parents gaslight their children because they are unable to feel vulnerable or take accountability for their own actions. “Some well-meaning parents may gaslight their children to protect them, for example when a parent is trying to make a child love eating vegetables or other healthy foods, they may deny that the child doesn’t like the taste and they tell the child that the vegetables are tasty. However, most parents gaslight their children in order to maintain control and power over their children and a sense of being right in the parent-child relationship,” shares Naomi. She adds that when children are gaslighted by their parents, it leads to confusion, increased self-doubt, low self-esteem, low self-worth and low self-confidence. The gaslighted children also develop long-lasting issues with trust and intimacy. The relationship between parents and children is also severely damaged and some children opt to end the relationship once they grow up. A parent trying to undermine a child’s sense of reality is a manipulative tactic that can cause lasting psychological damage. Speaking on the same, another psychologist, Tracy Nyaguthii shares that many times, parents gaslight to control their children, to shame certain behaviours, among others. Dangers of gaslighting “Children trust their parents and caregivers, so they will believe what they say as true. For instance, if a child was playing and they fell and started crying, and a parent tells them they are too sensitive, it was just a little fall, the child will believe it, and start doubting themselves and their reactions. This is how childhood trauma is formed. Children’s brains are still developing, so this can lead to confusion, low self-esteem, feelings of incompetence, they can lose trust in themselves. Long term effects include trauma, anxiety and depression,” she says. She stresses that gaslighting can happen for years before an individual realises it. As a result, an individual will have formed negative beliefs about themselves. For instance, individuals may feel inadequate, unloved incapable of anything good, and children who are shamed for their body size are set on a path to eating disorders, among others. “Many times parents gaslight because they are going through stressful situations. Others do it because they also got the same treatment from their parents. Parents with certain mental disorders and personalities will also exhibit such actions. Gaslighting destroys parent-child relationship. Home no longer becomes a safe space, it becomes an environment of continuous trauma. So, it can be lonely for the child, teenager or adult and this can lead to isolation,” shares the expert. If you have been in such an abusive situation, it is important to go for therapy to deal with this trauma. Counselling is not a quick fix method, it takes time, every person’s situation is different. It is possible for a parent to also stop gaslighting their children. To begin with, the parent needs to learn to listen to their child and validate their child’s feelings. “In addition, the parent needs to encourage independence in their child, for example in making their friends. The child can also be assigned various roles at home as such roles give a child a sense of accomplishment. This improves the child’s self-confidence and self-esteem. Finally, a parent can learn to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. If your child shows uncomfortable feelings such as anger or sadness, don’t rush to fixing or stopping the emotion, rather use the moment as a learning opportunity,” says Naomi in conclusion.
