Why electric chair is the magic wand to KP myriad of problems
The introduction of the electric chair is the magic wand that will take away the many woes that Kenya Poa (KP) has been grappling with for decades.
Impeachable sources reveal the managers have identified the failure by Kenya Poa to use the electric chair to execute its convicts as the single biggest reason why the company has been groping in the financial and management dark for years.
After a lot of brainstorming and soul-searching, the parastatal’s executives finally discovered why the monopoly that charges exorbitantly for its products and services is forever broke.
“The electric chair is the missing link. Kenya Poa would be playing in the league of America’s General Electric if we had been using the electric chair to do away with our misfits instead of hanging them,” said a source who is familiar with the company’s strategic plan.
The strategic plan also proposes charging people for illegal use of its products and services, including getting electrocuted or suffering an electric shock.
He said executing all the death row convicts using an electric chair would shock the ailing company into life and instantly change its fortunes.
It would also see the Last Mile dream, which has taken too long to reach, finally achieved.
"Regular blackouts, collapsing power masts, exploding transformers, inflated electricity bills and financial scandals would all be a thing of the past,” said the source.
But Kenyan leaders would first have to pluck up the courage to sign the execution order of the thousands of death row convicts to pave way for the use of the electric chair, said the source. He said by declining to sign the order, the leaders had short-circuited the electricity firm and sabotaged its growth.
“Imagine the millions that the company would have made in the past four decades if we had been electrocuting our criminals instead of hanging them. Now you know where the rains started to beat the firm,” said the source.
Speaking of electrocution, it has emerged that you will in future be paying the utility company if you accidentally or otherwise come into contact with its exposed wires. That is a departure from the current practice where the victim is paid by the company.
Our impeachable source says this is part of the elaborate measures to raise the firm’s revenues to make up for the recent decrease of electricity charges. And unlike other electricity charges, the current rates will not apply.
“Getting electrocuted or suffering burns after coming into contact with exposed wires is in fact an unauthorised and illegal use of electricity. It in fact amounts to electricity theft so the victim will be charged an arm and a leg for it,” said the source.
The charges will be calculated according to the severity of the injuries, with death attracting the highest charges. “The more severe the damage means more electricity wattage was utilised in the process. The victim or their relatives will have to pay accordingly,” he said.
Meanwhile, the recent countrywide power outage has been blamed on Kenya Poa competitors who were out to sabotage the company.
Sources close to the parastatal say it believes the competitors had caused the blackout to enable them sell their products.
“We highly suspect that candle and koroboi sellers conspired to bring down the power masts and cause a countrywide blackout. We suspect that they were also responsible for other past blackouts,” said the source.
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