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Dead people demand payment for helping politicians win polls

By People Daily
Monday, February 8th, 2021
Dead people demand payment for helping politicians win polls.
In summary

Mambo Matata

Dead people have finally broken their deadly silence to demand their rights including their fair share of the famous national cake.

Saying they could no longer afford to keep quite while their rights were being literally trampled upon by politicians dancing and fighting on their graves, they demanded respect and more.

They threatened that if the politicians refuse to accede to their demands, they would kick up a mighty stink, the likes of which has never been witnessed in living or dead memory. 

Owing to their invaluable contribution to the country’s politics, the departed souls are not only making a claim to a chunk of the campaign funds, they also want to be considered for county and national government tenders.

Representation in decision making positions including in the legislature and the executive is on the list of their ugent demands. 

“We are aghost, sorry, aghast, that politicians are reaping a lot of political capital from us but give us nothing in return.

If they think we’ll continue to keep quiet, well, they are dead wrong this time round,” said Mwenda Zake, the leader of the Dead Lives Matter movement.

Zake said besides giving Kenyan politicians free forums to campaign every weekend, the dead have been providing them opportunities to shed crocodile tears and practice phony philanthropy for decades.

“How would they get very attentive crowds to address every weekend if we didn’t die?

Organising real campaign rallies costs a lot of money and renting a crowd is an even more expensive affair,” Zake observed, looking dead serious.

The politicians, he added, have also been getting a lot of free airtime on TV and radio and acres of newsprint by pretending to be first responders at accident and fire scenes.

As if taking advantage of the dead was not bad enough, he said it was of grave concern that the politicians had now decided that swapping insults and exchanging blows at funerals was part of the deal.

“Now that they no longer even pretend that they are mourning us or consoling the living, it is high time they paid for the venues, the free crowds and the opportunity to display their fake charity.

They must not be allowed to get away with murder,” Zake morbidly warned, adding that the days when they played dead while they were being exploited by politicians were long gone. 

The dead lives matter movement leader observed that besides giving politicians free forums to campaign, they have been voting in elections for years.

When asked how they have been participating in polls, he revealed that the names of many of them remain in the voters’ register long after they are gone.

The dead voters, he said, have been coming back to haunt elections.

And because they are voters, the departed people now want a fair share of the national resources, including lucrative tenders and well-paying public service jobs.

“Instead of those bogus ghost workers hired by county and national governments, we are demanding to be hired as real ghost workers.

Why pay living people for doing no work when you can hire real ghosts and pay them a fair, earned wage,” posed Zake.

Besides, he said, the dead should be allowed to form genuine ghost companies and bid for shadowy contracts offered by the county and national governments.

With these ghost companies, Kenyans can for once be treated to the delivery of real phantom services and dead stock. 

And where will the payment for the goods and services be made?  “Into ghost accounts owned by real ghosts,” said Zake. [email protected]