I want my marriage to be nothing like my parents’
Hi Achokis,
I recently got married. The marriage has been blissful so far. But of late, I noticed my husband sometimes have long periods of going quiet and when I ask what bothers him, he just says “Nothing.”
My parent’s marriage was dysfunctional and I would not want mine to be the same. What do I need to do to avoid having a dysfunctional marriage? -Eva
Hi Eva. Thank you for your question. Your fear is valid and we are glad that you would want to nip the problem in the bud before it infects the whole relationship.
Our upbringing has a way of affecting our future. No family is perfect, there’s a possibility that we came from some dysfunctional families, but many people don’t realise it.
When they are asked about their parents’ marriage, many people say that it was great even though it was dysfunctional.
That is because they thought it was normal, while there could have been some sort of emotional or physical abuse.
It is good that you have recognised the kind of family you came from. You are seeing some things that remind you of where you are coming from and this is making you get concerned.
This is good, because some things when noted early enough can be addressed before they get out of hand.
On the other hand, it is important for you to also recognise that it might be a fear you have. So, it is important to address both your concerns and your fears.
Effective communication
In any relationship, effective communication is key. Let your husband know that the silence is killing you and making you get scared about your relationship.
Make sure it comes out as just that, a concern, not criticising him for being silent. Allow him to also explain why he does that.
It could be that he fears hurting you, or that he just doesn’t know how to express himself and his emotions like in the case of many men.
Could it be that the silence makes you fear abandonment or it’s something else?
Fear that things will go wrong and you will begin to blame yourself for your husband’s feelings or behaviour.
You feel you own the “joy metre” of his life and you forgot to turn it on. Or the metre doesn’t work, so this frustrates you.
As a result, you begin to manipulate and demand for answers on what he is thinking. You bulge into his space and thus you become a contributor to the dysfunctional relationship.
Don’t read too much
Where is the balance? First, find out what could be making him go silent. You might be surprised that it has nothing to do with you and that he is going through something, or simply in the “nothing box” that many men find themselves in.
Don’t read too much into the script based on your background, but also let your hubby know about your fears. - The writers are marriage and relationship coaches [email protected]
