My hubby forgave my cheating but his actions speak otherwise
Achoki’s, I have been married for about 15 years with three children. Five years ago, I cheated on my husband. He got to know about it then and we talked about it even with our pastor.
He said he had forgiven me and I thought we had moved on. But of late, whenever we have a quarrel, he brings it up with a lot of anger.
I have also realised I’ve been trying to overcompensate by letting him get off with many things since I was the one who messed up. I feel I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking on the inside. Please help me!
Our take
We all do make mistakes; some are fatal while others, not as much. Cheating on one’s spouse is a big mistake.
But this does not mean that’s the end of the marriage as some think. On the contrary, if handled well, this can be the beginning of a better marriage.
He’s still in pain
What is needed is genuine forgiveness and time to heal. The fact that this issue is coming up again is an indicator that either the pain was not dealt with properly or there was no true forgiveness.
So often, we want to move on and not stop to seriously look into and deal with the pain and resolve the matter.
Men, especially can bottle things as they have been socialised not to show their emotions.
Unlike women who vent out by talking, men don’t talk as they see it as a sign of weakness.
Society has also made it acceptable for men to have affairs, but when a woman cheats, it complicates things for a husband.
He needs to find a safe space where he can process his pain as pain that is not transformed is transmitted to others.
Settle it once and for all
There’s also the need for forgiveness. He needs to acknowledge that this thing hurt him and make a choice to genuinely forgive you. But you also need to forgive yourself.
Your guilt is what makes you tend to bend backwards for him, overcompensating for your mistake.
This has definitely affected your self-esteem. Forgiving yourself means compassionately putting past hurts, offenses, and mistakes where they belong.
Set boundaries so that you are not bullied. You made a mistake, but you are not a mistake yourself.
You need to raise the issue with your husband letting him know what you feel, and the need for true genuine forgiveness from him.
Help him see, without accusing or attacking him that he is still hurting from what you did.
Ask for his forgiveness expressing how you realise how much your conduct hurt him.
Ask him if possible that you both seek professional help to try and sort this thing once and for all.
Holding on to a dysfunctional relationship just because you fear losing him will not help. The writers are marriage and relationship coaches [email protected]
