Why it’s okay to hurt others’ feelings
Irene Dama, a 30-year-old Mombasa-based businesswoman, wishes she was not always trying to be a nice person to everyone because this has had a lot of consequences on both her professional and personal life. She just doesn’t know how to say ‘no’.
“I have done a couple of businesses. Currently, I’m operating a cosmetics business. You know people and their bargaining tactics. They always want to buy something at a low price. And then some want things on credit —sometimes they are people you know. Trying to balance the account every month is a depressing situation. When it comes to relationships, my sister literally had to save me from a man I accepted to be without pity. I just couldn’t say ‘no’ because…that would hurt him. I wasn’t in love with him, but more concerned about how he felt,” shares the businesswoman.
Well, not everybody has these pity tags. For female radio host, Mgheni Shaban, her peace of mind is more important than anything else. “I speak my truth. The wise people say the truth is sometimes bitter. And that’s how I live my life. I will never let other people’s needs drown me. My peace of mind is important as well, so if I evaluate a situation and see that it will go contrary to this peace that I am seriously working towards, then I have to say ‘no’ to you. And I also like to be straightforward with it. It is important to learn how to balance life for everyone’s good. If I am not honest in decisions, it’s like putting myself in a cell. But I try to be wise with my words so it doesn’t come out too harsh as well,” says Mgheni, popularly known as Sister Shanniez.
Even when it is unintended, some people find it intolerable to hurt someone they love. To experience hurting the other can create shame, guilt and strong “I am a bad person” feelings. As a result, they may avoid saying what is on their mind and put aside their feelings and needs. This inhibiting of the self can be harmful to their relationships and can create the conditions for developing anxiety and depression.
This inability to tolerate hurting people can also greatly affect our relationships with others. It is important to understand that at some point we will hurt people we love intentionally or unintentionally.
Harm OCD
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) can involve excessive cleaning, a preoccupation with an order or with avoiding certain numbers, or intrusive thoughts. Harm OCD on the other is a term used to describe when intrusive thoughts focus on the possibility of harming others. The thoughts can take the form of fear you’ll harm someone close to you, a fear you’ll harm a stranger or a fear you’ve harmed someone in the past and didn’t realise or don’t remember it.
What makes these thoughts into obsessions is the meaning we attribute to them. So, why are people afraid of hurting other people’s feelings?
As a counselling psychologist, Ruth Jebet shares, the first reason is that we recall how hurt we felt as children, forgetting that children and adults have different nervous systems and abilities to regulate and cope with emotions. “As children, the brain is still developing and they cope poorly with hurt feelings because they lack the physiological components to do so. They can’t think rationally and put what’s happening to them into a larger, correct context. Although adults (over 25) have fully developed brains and have every right to expect them to cope with hurt feelings, some can’t because they too weren’t taught how to do so,” says the expert.
Coping mechanism
The other reason people shrink back from hurting someone’s feelings, she shares, is that they saw their caretakers retaliate when they were hurt.
“Maybe your rebellious brother got smacked around, your parents punished you unfairly for your childish mistakes, or they said to mean, blaming words to you, which have stuck in your head to this day. Perhaps you equate hurting someone with getting hurt back in spades and decided long ago it was better to suffer in silence than at the hands of someone else,” she says.
Finally, we feel guilty or uncomfortable hurting others because the people who raised us didn’t exhibit effective coping skills. When they were hurt, they resolved to negative coping skills such as the use of drugs, projection/ displacement in form of yelling, shaming us, or even physically hurting those close to them. If you grew up watching others have difficulty managing emotional pain, you are going to think that all adults can’t tolerate it, which is untrue. Many adults do just fine. No one likes being hurt, but the majority of the people manage and soldier on.
When we become overly interested and vigilant about the impact we have on others and design our behaviours to make sure they don’t have feelings we can’t tolerate, we are putting our authentic selves on hold. However, the focus on pleasing others interferes with developing the ability to consider what would be pleasing to oneself. “This denial of who we are causes us to build up feelings consciously and unconsciously. Preventing ourselves from expressing what we think and feel, and shutting up our true selves puts us at risk for anxiety and depression. If we can learn to become more comfortable with how we impact others and address what we think our impact is, instead of trying to control the other’s feelings, we will be promoting the development of our true selves,” she says in ending.
